Sh*t mums say? Hmnn. Surely on your journey as a mum you have heard your fair share of statements that could create awkward moments. In fact some people refer to some of these topics as the basis for Mommy Wars.
Sh*t Vancouver moms say was the topic of a recent comment string on Facebook. Thanks VancouverMom.ca! At last count there were 50 people who had left comments. Clearly this is a topic that resonates.
Here are some examples of SMS – or more precisely what some talk about that could be the subject of a parody about mums about town:
* shopping for organic food and items, exclusively
* shopping at the right types of stores where aforementioned organically correct items are sold
* only using the best ingredients. No sandwich meats. No foods from the middle of the store
* not using plastic bottles, even if they are BPA free
* buying precisely the right type of baby soother. Yes that BPA thing again.
* whether or not to use a soother
* the importance of wearing a baby, co-sleeping, breastfeeding for the right period of time and only using cloth diapers
* the need to hire tutors for very young children before they enter Kindergarten
* the need to attend a number of popular baby and toddler programmes such as mum and baby exercise, gymnastics, art, music, literacy, early childhood and sports classes
* comparing stay at home mums to mums who work outside the home
* comparing mums who have extra help, such as nannies and housekeepers, to mums that don’t
* the need to sign up early for programmes such as swim class or the right pre-school
* attending the right pre-school or school
* using a private/independent school versus a public school
* crossing borders (crossing the city) to attend another public school
* bench marks that your child has mastered. Think eating, talking, walking, crawling, toilet training andreading independently ,for example. “What do you mean you’re taking a relaxed approach to toilet training? Your children are 2 1/2!”
* going on holidays with your children. “What? You haven’t travelled in years?”
* I need my Girls Night Out and luncheons alone with my girlfriends. “What? You don’t go out on your own?”
* having the right type of dentist. “What? Your children go to a regular dentist?”
* Childcare/Nannies/Babysitters “What? You don’t have one?”
* the need to drive around to many places every day in your car, coffee mug in hand. “What? You don’t drink coffee? You don’t live in your car half the time? You don’t have a second car? You don’t have a car Monday to Friday AND you don’t have bus service during the day?!”
* the need to have the right educational toys and gear
* the need to cook all baby food/food from scratch
* why you waited to have children. “You’re over 35, aren’t you? Left it a bit late didn’t you? Why did you wait? What? You mean you didn’t wait on purpose? But you’re 40!”
* are you the nanny?
* did you adopt your children from China?
* do twins run in your family? [Let's talk about how you procreated.]
* not needing second hand clothes/pass offs when offered
* having the right safety devices or not having enough of them
Who could argue that it is bad to buy organic food or breastfeed a child? Unfortunately some mums shrink into their allotted seat at mums and babies groups when they feel they have somehow been deficient compared to the prevailing opinion or habits of a group. That’s when a situation can go from awkward to just plain uncomfortable.
” No. I am not a part-time mum because I had a nanny help me during the first year of my twins’ lives.” [I don't think I want to attend this mums and babies group anymore.]
Just in case you think these conversation starters are exclusive to mums, we could just as easily talk about Sh*t Dads say. After all, just the other day one dad said to another “WHAT. Seriously, buddy? You don’t know about that indoor playground?”.
[Confused look ensued.]
Uh. No. He didn’t.
It would a treat to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit the BCFamily.ca Facebook page.
My husband and I are not from the same ethnic background. This is not really an earth shattering fact, as the expression goes. Our children, therefore, are Eurasian – not exclusively from a European/Caucasian or Asian ethnic background. On the Pacific coast of Canada this is not an unusual circumstance. Walk around any shopping mall or visit any public school and you will find many couples who are from a mixed background picking up their children. In the 2006 Canadian census 3.9% of marriages in Canada involved a marriage with partners from two distinct ethnic backgrounds, one of which is a visible minority. This accounts for almost 290,000 Canadians. Of this amount 9.5% involved one partner who was of Chinese-Canadian heritage: 11% of Chinese-Canadian women were in mixed marriage compared with 8% of men. The number of mixed marriages increased by over 30% in five years.
Not long ago, while sitting with my two children, a woman asked me if I was the caregiver of my children. “No, they’re mine”. I responded. “Oh. You adopted them from China?”, she immediately asked in reply. “No. My husband is Chinese-Canadian.” She paused for a moment to register what I was telling her. Another woman nearby explained that her grandchild, sitting next to my children, also had a mum who is not Chinese-Canadian, while her son-in-law is Chinese-Canadian.
No, I am not my children’s nanny. It’s not the first time I’ve been asked this question. I realize that with my dark blonde hair I don’t look like the mum of my children, who have black/dark brown hair. I am, however, a mum who lives in a household that embraces the ethnic heritage of two continents. My husband’s family came to Canada from Hong Kong and lived in China in the early 20th century. My family’s background is English, Irish, Scottish, French, Ukrainian, displaced German and Russian. I also grew up in a diplomat’s family in various countries around the world, including Japan for ten years. Needless to say we draw on all kinds of cultural traditions in our household. Multiculturalism is alive and thriving at BCFamily.ca. We may not look like a family you expect to see, but as a Eurasian household we are on the cutting edge of the hottest, growing trends in Canada.
As Vancouver Sun columnist Todd Douglas wrote recently, ”it is becoming ever more common to see couples of mixed ethnicity holding hands, dining out or playing with their offspring in Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal. [...] Authentic inter-ethnic bonding occurs when people can honestly face real social tensions, including some of those outlined here. Inter-ethnic relationships, which continue to be on the rise, may be the best way to help us cross these cultural boundaries.”
What’s your family’s story? Do people ask you if you’re the nanny of your children? How does your family benefit from your inter-ethnic heritage?
It would a treat to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit the BCFamily.ca Facebook page.
Tricia Guild, OBE is the Founder and Creative Director of Designers Guild in the United Kingdom. Since 1970 she has been known for her bold use of contrasting colours in interior design and related interior products and furnishings such as fabric, wallpaper and paint. In the per-Internet era when people relied on books, magazines and TV shows for information, Tricia’s work stood out as bold and spirited. With the cacophony of information available on the Internet, her influence isn’t as obvious but she is still highly respected for her innovative vision.
Recently I’ve been thinking about the pre-Internet days and remembered pouring over images of her work. I own one of her books – White Hot – and have read many magazine articles about her. I must have analyzed many of her other books in bookstores because I was certain that I owned others as well. It turns out I do not. A few weeks ago, inspired by Tricia’s vision of colour, I decided to dress my toddler daughter in an outfit that consisted of a medium yellow 3/4 length top and skirt with multi-coloured and purple dots, and a pair of purple tights, with white dots. If Tricia can go bold with colours, why can’t my daughter and I? (On another day she wore the cheerful outfit you see in the photo inserted below.)
While standing in a lineup amongst a group of children and parents one mother commented to another that my daughter was wearing an ”INTERESTING outfit”. You know what that means - weird, “what WAS her mother thinking?” interesting. Yes I don’t dress my children in head to toe matching Baby Gap. I also don’t grab whatever clothes are clean and toss them on my daughter. I like to have fun combining her clothes in creative ways – many of which are hand-me-downs - and I get her involved in the process. At age two she has developed an early appreciation for colours and fabric design.
I grew up with a mother who sewed most of my clothes and would even make matching outfits for my dolls. She paid close attention to pattern and line in fabric and sometimes she made bold choices. The emotions that I attached to these fabrics influenced my own aesthetic sense. Today my mother continues to sew beautiful and unique clothes for her granddaughters. If you can’t wear fashionably daring clothes when you are young, when are you going to start?
For me, colour has always been life enhancing and stimulating. I think it’s essential for the soul, and as a result, it has always been inherent in designing collections. In terms of design and aesthetic, it’s as important as pattern and texture. [...] Be brave and use the colours and patterns [you] really love rather than play it safe and end up with a blander scheme with no character. Tricia Guild interviewed by Style at Home magazine.
Related
There are relatively few videos online about Tricia Guild’s work. Here is one, in French, showing Tricia’s home in London. You will need to register with the site before you can watch the video. If you like Tricia’s work, it’s worth the effort.
We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.
The collective vitriol against women in their later years of fertility for their hope in being able to conceive is what’s getting old, while our happy optimism is keeping us 40-somethings young – and dare I say, wrinkle-free. Melanie Notkin, SavvyAuntie.com
This month you won’t have to look too far before you will come across an article about women who delay getting pregnant. Here’s how the story line will go. Women are delaying pregnancy. They are focussing on their academic endeavours and careers, thinking that they will still be able to become pregnant well into their 40s. The examples set by famous Hollywood personalities who are having babies in their 40s gives the wrong message to women today. Women should understand that many of these older mums are using frozen or donated eggs and embryos in order to achieve a pregnancy. The procedures they use are invasive, expensive and potentially life threatening.
Who can argue with this information? Women don’t need national doctors’ associations to tell us that fertility dwindles every year that we age. They know that fertility treatments are expensive, difficult and not always successful. They know that the Hollywood story is never the full story.
The question that is not being adressed by journalists focuses on the most important point. Are women delaying pregnancy? Certainly many women are having babies when they are older but is this a deliberate choice? Should we ask the opinion of journalists who haven’t passed age 30 and can merely speculate about how they will feel about their fertility ten years down the track? Will these women know how their lives will turn out by the time they reach 35 or 40? Should we focus on media personalities such as Celine Dion who finished a five year contract before becoming pregnant with twins after five failed IVF attempts? Isn’t it a better idea to ask average women who are over 35 and 40? What have their experiences been? Did they really put schooling and career before having a child? If they didn’t, do we care about their reasons for becoming a mother after 35? Or do we just want to think that women believe they can have it all, no matter the cost?
If you are in your 20s and wonder why your friends and colleagues did not start their families until age 35 and older, here are few pointers that you will want to consider.
* Many women do not date, to any significant degree, between ages 17 and 24. Amongst their schoolmates from high school, the story might be quite different. Many of their friends might be married by their late 20s. Most of these married friends will have started a family by the time they are 30. In Great Britain, for example, the average age for a woman to start a family is at 29 – the age of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. However this story is not every woman’s story. Many women do not meet their life partner until their mid or late 20s, or many years later. Many women are choosing to get married after age 30.
* When a woman is living on a modest income in recessionary times – think 2011 or the early 1990s for the Generation X – volunteering is a great way to get out in the community, give back, meet people and have a bit of fun. It is not a great way to meet members of the opposite sex. (If that is something you would like to do.) Most of the volunteers women will encounter will be female.
* In some careers, such as teaching younger students, almost 100% of the staff members are female. This is not an ideal situation for personal networking purposes.
* Some women decide to move away from their home or university town after finishing their post-secondary training, undergraduate or graduate degree. Some women try to overcome the poor job selection in their home town or country and move to another country or continent. This means that they will need to take the time to establish a new social network. This takes time. If she is on a limited time track to start a family, this relocation will delay her progress.
* When a woman is in her mid to late 20s, starting a family may not be a priority as other pressing issues demand her attention. Paying off student loans, being fiscally responsible, starting a new job and career and building a social circle will be first and foremost in her mind.
* If she is a minority in a foreign country, she can expect that her fellow country men will not be particularly interested in her. She can expect to meet many men who are tired of the women back home and want to meet the more enticing local options.
* When she is working overseas the foreign men she meets just might have a girlfriend or even wife tucked away in their home country. Think Naval officer who isn’t such a gentleman, with a woman in very port, or Italian professional who is living too much of La Dolce Vita. If she does not want to be flavour of the moment, she should proceed with caution. Marriage and babies will not be following these types of encounters. Numerous relationships over the course of months and years will be on the menu.
* As she tries to build a career, that will support her financially and allow her to do more than cover her basic expenses, she might have to work hard – maybe even work long hours. The time that she spends on her work related efforts will take away from socializing and meeting a potential spouse.
* If she moves more than once during her 20s and 30s, she will find that after each move she will face personal disruptions to her social life as she put down roots again. (This point bears repeating.)
* Taking time off to complete graduate school or further professional training can work in her favour, on the personal front, if she meets a future spouse. If she doesn’t, or if she makes choices in romantic partners that do not turn out well, her years spent in Academe will not help her along her path to becoming married and a mother.
* Every year that she gets older, more younger women join the single women scene and she is ranked by an increasingly younger standard. Men her age might start to focus more on younger women. Some might even make jokes about the fertility of older women and their biological clocks. If she decides to date a man even one or two years younger, cougar jokes start to circulate when she is still in her early 30s.
* If she is 35 or older, she might find her doctor is practically jumping around his office telling her that her fertility dwindles after 35 and to not believe that Hollywood actors are using their own eggs. She politely tells her doctor that she is not married – indeed she has only just started dating someone and cannot speed up her motherhood journey.
* When she does meet the right person and gets married, children won’t necessarily come along right away. It might be years before she and her partner see a positive sign. Meanwhile she can be certain that she will hear every story going about X or Y who decided to become pregnant and, oh look, two months later she was with child.
* Once she is married and thinking about starting a family others will assume she will never have a child. Some might start to suggest that she adopts. It isn’t that she is completely against adoption, but she still wants to see if she can have a child.
* Is she expecting to have it all now that she is over 35 and would like to start a family? Is there evidence that she deliberately delayed getting married and starting a family? She knows what the answer is. Unfortunately her side of the story is rarely told.
*When she does become pregnant in her late 30s or early 40s her colleague says “Gee you left it a bit late to have children, hey?”
Recently The Province newspaper presented a 14 part series about the aging Boomer population called Boomerangst. As a follow-up, the editor of this series sent out an E-Street E-mail from The Province with recommendations about how the lives of seniors in BC can be improved.
Are you a member of the Boomer generation? Are you a Boomer with elderly parents? Do you have parents who are ready to retire? Do you know someone who had a stroke or required more intensive medical care earlier in life than expected? You can leave your feedback regarding the recommendations and what you think needs to be done on the BCSeniorHelp website. Your feedback will be sent directly to Premier Clark and Health Minister de Jong.
RECOMMENDATIONS FROM THE PROVINCE’SBOOMERANGST TEAM
(Underlining has been added under the key ideas in each section.)
1. An integrated, one-stop-shop senior services system
Currently, B.C. provides senior services and care through a number of different ministries and agencies and under two different sets of laws (the Community Care and Assisted Living Act and the Hospital Act) with different standards, rules and care expectations. Experts say the system is nearly impossible for citizens to navigate. There could be tremendous efficiencies and improved outcomes if all aspects of seniors’ health, from housing to home support to long-term care, were bundled into one client-focused, integrated system with a single entry point and governed by the same law. Once the system has been streamlined it can be taken to the Internet and presented clearly so that citizens can search with ease for service options that fit their needs.
2. A seniors’ representative
B.C. Ombudsperson Kim Carter has recognized a crucial window of opportunity to reform the province’s senior care system before the population of vulnerable seniors begins to explode. With a small office, and the help of volunteer law students, Carter has thrown everything she can into an investigation of the whole system, which she says is a maze of bureaucracy and regulation that even her investigators were challenged to understand. As many as 100 recommendations aimed at improving fairness and transparency in the system are expected when Carter files her final report. It’s hoped the government will follow Carter’s recommendations, and go a step further, to fund a seniors’ representative to make sure important systemic reforms are upheld.
3. Clarity on funding and better disclosure
We need to open the hood on B.C.’s care system for seniors so that users have a clear understanding of fees, standards of care and where the funding earmarked for care by the government goes, right down to the per-bed funding for each facility. Some critics doubt whether the government’s recent raising of fees in residential care has resulted in funding returning into the system. David Hurford of the B.C. Care Providers Association says the government estimated fee increases “would net more than $50 million for the provincial treasury, but we were reassured all the funds would be returned to increase staffing levels at residential care on an ongoing basis. Care providers have seen little evidence of this increase and efforts to secure a full accounting have been largely ignored.”
Hurford says it’s believed some health authorities just used the additional revenue to cover past operating budget shortfalls. The disclosure of information must be improved, to give families confidence that they can select the best care options and monitor outcomes.
The federal government should makegreater investments in research and strategic planning to help scientists unlock the secrets of how Alzheimer’s and dementia affect the brain, on their road to finding new drug therapies to slow or halt the progressive illness. We also need to set aside funding for more care-home infrastructure to treat and safely care for the growing numbers of dementia sufferers, who will not be adequately cared for in the community. As well, we must ensure all relevant health professionals are trained to deal with dementia — family doctors, nurses, hospital staff, home care aides and residential care staff.
Statistics obtained by The Province from the Public Guardian’s office show that across B.C., investigations into alleged cases of abuse, neglect and self-neglect affecting seniors have surged by 12 per cent since 2008. The Fraser region leads all health regions with a 26-per-cent jump. Too many seniors are left to fend for themselves as their physical and mental health dwindles, either because they have become too weak to connect with others or the surrounding community has neglected to reach out to them. Just as we have Neighbourhood Watches to protect against crime, we should have Neighbourhood Senior Watches to protect against isolation and self-neglect. Volunteers could be enlisted to help shovel snow or mow lawns and taught how to keep an eye out for the health of their aged neighbours. Municipalities and community groups should work together to institute and advertise “Senior Watch” networks.
6. Government response to isolation, neglect and self-neglect
During The Province’s investigation into the aging of society, we came across one frontline worker who had seen too much. In an era when government employees rarely talk to the media, a coroner from Penticton took a risk and talked to The Province about his frustration with the case of a 59-pound man found dead from starvation in a motel. It’s believed there are similar tragic endings for seniors throughout the province that don’t come to light. A coroner’s inquest could have been conducted in the death of 71-year-old William Edward Fuller, but wasn’t. It’s not too late for B.C.’s Coroner Service to give Fuller’s death a more thorough examination and identify possibilities for better outcomes.
As well, a standard province-wide assessment system with regular checkups on seniors whose decision-making powers can rapidly decline due to dementia, is needed. The law says every adult is free to live at risk if they understand the risks, but we must have a more probing and attentive system to make sure aging seniors truly understand risk.
Finally, not all citizens in B.C. know we have a system in which one can anonymously report suspected abuse or neglect against elders and the designated first-responder with the local health authority must at least investigate. We need to raise that awareness, and go a step further. Some provinces, such as Nova Scotia, have guardianship law with mandatory reporting, which compels every citizen to report suspected abuse of adults who can’t protect themselves for reasons of health or mental capacity. B.C., which will have one of the highest proportions of seniors in Canada, should have mandatory reporting.
7. Transportation
According to projections, the Lower Mainland’s over-65 population will more than double in the next 20 years. At a 2008 seniors’ forum set up by United Way of the Lower Mainland, transportation was the No. 1 issue of concern. Seniors want to be sure transportation is available, safe and connected, but for too many, service gaps make public transit a non-starter. Better Environmentally Sound Transportation is a group developing an initiative called Seniors Transportation Access and Resources Strategy. STAR will eventually provide support and information to agencies that want to provide transportation services to seniors. The goal is to provide a solution to a “highly fragmented, under-financed and uneven set of transportation services for seniors in B.C.” The model will be tested in the coming months and changed based on what seniors need and want. This initiative should identify amounts of funding needed to make transit more senior-friendly so that B.C.’s government and other transit authorities can assess what level of funding can be applied to expedite solutions.
8. Help seniors to age at home
Home care for health concerns and non-medical home support are a crucial piece of the puzzle in B.C.’s growing challenge with aging. We need to revamp the health-care model away from warehousing seniors in expensive acute-care beds, often to the detriment of their health, in favour of maintaining and treating them in their own homes. A province-wide home-support-services model, similar to the United Way’s Community Action for Seniors Independence pilot project, should be costed and rolled out. Bundling needs for transportation, housekeeping and home maintenance can enable seniors to live longer, safely, in their homes. At the same time, medical and non-medical home services need to be well advertised and regulated within an integrated seniors’ services system.Anyone who cares for or helps seniors should be registered and report to an oversight body, and seniors should have access to advocates so they can make complaints if they believe they are being coerced into “gifts” or “loans” or not receiving adequate care or value for money.
9. What you can you do
As more seniors come of age in B.C., it becomes increasingly important to get important personal documents and plans in order. Seniors should review power-of-attorney implications with an adviser so that they can be confident their financial and legal considerations will be taken care of, should they experience cognitive declines. Not too many people know that health-care choices are not covered under power of attorney, though. The Representation Agreement Act allows you to appoint someone as your legal representative to handle your financial, legal, personal-care and health-care decisions if you’re unable to make them on your own. The document is called a representation agreement, and it creates a contract between you and your representative. As you age, you should look into the different choices that will impact the last years of your life, and how you can decide what is best for you, before cognitive decline takes the power of choice away (Nidus Personal Planning is one organization that can help).
10. Helping families live together and care for each other
If not for Canada’s vast, invisible health-care workforce — an army of family caregivers whose labour would be worth an estimated $25 billion a year if they were paid to care for their loved ones — our health-care system could implode under the weight of an aging society. Too often, these caregivers burn out because support programs have been cut. Family caregivers need to be seen as a partner in the senior care system, supported with advice, counselling and, perhaps, tax incentives. Along the same lines, housing and care solutions for families can be woven together. The province should work with municipal governments to promote housing options that let aging parents stay with family members through zoning and tax-system incentives. These innovations will relieve some of the burden on the care system, and keep seniors where they want to be, at home, happier, healthier and longer.
We’d love to hear from you about this important topic. So don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.
Note: A search for news clips on this topic, on YouTube, brings up very few hits. Most focus on how Baby Boomers can stay healthy and youthful. The following clip provides an interesting perspective from California. Did you know that most elder abuse is financial and is perpetrated by a family member?
A day does not go by when a Stay at Home or Working Out of the Home mother does not find a news story telling her what she is doing, not doing and feeling. We live in an era when findings from studies – well designed or not – are easily disseminated by way of social media links, online media outlets or attention-grabbing headlines on the national news. This type of information even shows up on websites like this one!
The latest research about mothers and depression was presented this week by Katrina Leupp, graduate student from the University of Washington, at an American Sociological Association conference in Nevada. Leupp accessed a National Longtitudinal Survey run by the US. Department of Labor that included data from a survey of 1,600 married women carried out in 2006. At the time the average age of the women was 40. These same women were interviewed previously when they were between age 22 and 30 about their attitudes towards being a working mother. Leupp concluded that the women who were keenest to engage in careers while being parents were more likely to suffer from depression than women who were initially against the idea of trying to balance both roles. Or to put it another way, the keen women initially responded that the combination of a career and parenthood could be done with relative ease.
A second finding was that women who are stay at home mums, and who often cannot enter the workforce due to circumstances beyond their control, are more likely to experience depression than mums who work outside of the home. Many of the news articles reporting the findings are highlighting the idea, to use their wording, that super moms, with high flying careers, need to chill. You can hear the gnashing teeth of hard working women everywhere who are busy working outside of the home and raising children.
In media interviews Leupp repeatedly states that working is beneficial for a woman’s health; however, does it follow that staying out of the workforce is bad for women’s health? Nobody would suggest that there aren’t women who are happy to be at home full time caring for their children. While many of these women would be able to point to daily challenges that they experience, many would also argue that their mental health is as good as the average mother who works outside of the home. Are all women who are forced to exit the workforce due to economic or other circumstances likely to suffer in terms of their health? Here in Canada Stephen Harper’s Conservative Party colleagues favour the stay at home option. The Federal government currently provides Canadian parents with modest payments that can be used as parents see fit. This is a soft version of the “everyone can look after themselves” attitudes you find in the United States and increasingly in Great Britain. One could argue that it is an approach that would be more favourable to conservative (with a small c) Canadian families who believe that the mother should stay at home with their children in the early years.
Conversely, in many western European OECD countries governments have promoted social policies, such as fully funded and accessible childcare for pre-toddlers and older, that support the re-entry of mothers into the workforce. The underlying strategy was to increase female participation in the workforce in order to strengthen their economies. Here in Canada the question of mothers (or a stay at home father) entering the workforce and the funding of Early Childhood Education & Care (ECEC) centres is never discussed in these terms. In Scandinavia, where social policy related to women and children is advanced compared to North American standards, a reporter would be hard pressed to find a mother who isn’t working outside the home.
The current approach to ECE&C funding by the Federal and Provincial governments is an alternative to the Federal and Provincial funding of accessible and affordable ECEC facilities. In cities such as Ottawa, the New Democrat Party are reporting that 9,000 families (you read that right) are on wait lists for licensed care facilities. The situation in Vancouver is equally as bleak. It is not unusual to meet a parent who will tell you that they were on a licensed child care facility wait list for three years before a space opened up. For two years following maternity leave, the parents “made do” with less than adequate alternatives.
Meanwhile many women in more senior positions, such as older mums over 30, are returning to their jobs before their maternity leaves are over in order to protect their jobs. A long absence from a management position, for example, greatly reduces a woman’s influence in an office, in a political sense; can affect future work allocation and participation in ongoing projects; and, can directly or indirectly lead to changes in a job profile or even dismissal while on maternity leave. (See: Working to Live ) Accommodations for all of these possible outcomes are usually included in the administrative policies of larger organizations. As one female author online asked, “who’s more likely to be dismissed during an office reshuffle? The man who gave a PowerPoint presentation last week or the woman who’s been off for months on maternity leave?”
How does these considerations relate to a study about mothers and depression? In North America we receive failing grades from international organizations such as the OECD in the area of ECE&C. Privately we value our children, but collectively we have been unable to decide how we want to support parents and caregivers, as they in turn care for children. We debate about whether children should be cared for by the parent or a licensed care giver. We debate about how should pay for these services. We debate about what types of programme should be in place and who should pay for these programmes. Some might argue that – quite frankly – we’re hardly debating about these topics at all. They arise every four years during election time, and disapear again. Meanwhile women – young and older mothers – are struggling to reconcile their role as parent with their role as employee without the support of strong policies in the workforce and the understanding of Canadians in general. Leupp concludes that, at least in the United States, for many women these struggles include depression.
In reference to the University of Washington study, Leupp points out that there are women at home with their children who cannot fully engage in the workforce in the United States where, despite the shorter maternity leaves, working conditions are similar to those in Canada. Why is that? Is there no available childcare? Is childcare too unaffordable? Are the terms of her working life so restrictive that it became too difficult to work?
Leupp also mentions a finding that has been highlighted in other research studies. Women – whether or not they work outside of the home – still complete the majority of the housework in the home. In Canada that rate is well over 50%. How does this rate compare to other countries? As the author suggests, should women simply accept this reality, or can we, in our society, encourage new attitudes towards sharing the workload on the home front? Leupp also touches on the topic of stay at home fathers. Increasingly fathers in Canada are taking advantage of paternity leave or are considering their options when it comes to staying at home with their children. In Scandinavia there are strong examples of how men can contribute to the full time care of children, thereby allowing mothers to protect their careers as well. (See: Fatherhood in Sweden )
A focus of Leupp’s study centres on womens’ expectations. Her findings suggest more questions. Is it realistic for a young woman to expect that a career and parenthood should go together seemlessly? How do the attitudes of a Generation X parent compare to those of younger women today who were raised in slightly different family circumstances? How do the depictions in the media of harried, super multi tasking, hovering, Tiger mums influence a woman’s ability to define what she wants and can expect for her own parenting journey?
Tomorrow, or the next day, another study will be released with more information about motherhood and parenting. Here in British Columbia and in Canada the challenge for mothers and parents everywhere is to engage in increased and louder discussions about their experiences and needs. Many questions need to be asked. What types of work/childcare arrangements are working for them? What isn’t working? What types of changes help them? How much does it cost parents to pay for childcare? How much does it cost them to live in the Lower Mainland or other parts of British Columbia and Canada? How much are their mortgage payments and what is their cost of living compared to their income? How long is their commute? What type of commute do they have? What type of transit options can parents access? What type 0f childcare facility/provider are they using? What type of childcare programme does their child experience in this center? How would they assess the quality of care there? What are the professional qualificiations of their childcare provider? What did she/he have to study in order to achieve these qualifications? How supportive are their employers and colleagues regarding the daily challenges they face as a parent? Do some of their colleagues resent that they might use sick time to support their sick child or that they might arrive late or leave early in order to support their child’s needs? Does their office allow for some work-at-home time? Did the mother return to work before her maternity leave was finished? Does she feel that her position at work was compromized because of her absence from work? Did she feel that she needed to stay in touch with the office and with the progression of work and ongoing projects at the office while on maternity leave in order to protect her position? If her position was cut during maternity leave, why does she think that happened? Why do Stay at Home Mums prefer to be a stay at home parent? As a SAHM, what are the rewards and challenges of her role? What kind of support networks and resources do they have in their community for their children and for themselves? What kind of services can she access that are free or affordable? Does she feel isolated from or a part of an adult world where most people work outside of the home? Does she feel that people respect her choice to be a SAHM beyond maternity leave? Do people still recognize her other academic and professional qualifications in conversations and interactions? Would she be able to find part-time care should she take on a part-time job or work from home?
These are some of the many questions and topics that women can and do discuss privately, at work, online and in the media. With the advancements in technology and new tools coming out monthly in the realm of Social Media, women in urban and rural British Columbia can use creative methods to get their message out. Studies can help to raise further questions but the women who are directly involved need to be at the centre of the conversations and the related development of social policies by Federal and Provincial governments.
We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.
Over at CanadianParents.com there is a busy and useful online discussion taking place about back to school topics. If your children are starting school, you’ll probably have a few questions that you’d like to ask about the new school year routine. If your children are in high school, you’ve probably got the Back to School activities down to a tight routine. If you’re old enough to remember the lazy, hazy school days of the 70s and early 80s, you’ll know that the Back to School chant in the media has amped up since then. At least it got louder and was broadcast earlier in the summer until the most recent economic downturn. Realtors are bracing themselves for a slow back to school season this year. Not surprisingly there seem to be a smaller number of TV and radio ads announcing back to school sales. Fewer Back to School dedicated E-mails are arriving from busy Mom Blogger sites as well.
Does this mean that Back to School isn’t a focus anymore – at least in the way we’ve come to expect? Are we not supposed to rush out and buy new clothes, binders, environmentally correct, no-waste lunch boxes and lunch recipe books? What about the new laptop and software? What about the 100s – 1000s of dollars that are supposed to go on our credit cards?
Every family has unique needs during the Back to School season based on family size, income, types of schools attended and activities undertaken. Each parent has to decide how they want to approach this time of year now that they’ve gotten through the childcare and programme requirements of the summer. If parents want to reconsider the cost of Back to School shopping, a sustainable approach to the return to school and the degree to which they want to embrace new activities or actions, there is much to consider.
How can families plan to reduce, re-use, repurpose and recycle more as they prepare to start the new school year? Here are just a few of the many questions that could arise:
* Do you already have countless pencils, pens, paper, notebooks and binders spread about the house? Have you used up everything that was purchased last year? Are the items left from last year reusable again this year? Can you and your children refurbish these items to get them into shape for the new year? Can you set up a supply cabinet at home where everything can be stored when not in use?
* If your children are bored with their pencil cases and other barely used and previously purchased school staples supplies, can they arrange a swap party with their friends to exchange one item for another that is new to them?
* Do you plan to stock up on school supplies when you shop for your children’s needs this year, while supplies are cheaper and often available in bulk? If you take the time to compare flyers and analyze in-store shopping incentives, it might be worth splitting your shopping trip up across different stores. Often these stores are close to each other in major shopping malls.
* From a consumer point of view, do you have to purchase a complete set of new supplies for your child for the school year? If you received a list from your child’s teacher early on in the summer, do you need to buy everything on the list? If you stick to the essential items and see which special items the teacher still wants at the beginning of the school year, the teacher might change his mind.
* Have you gone through the children’s wardrobes to see what no longer fits? Have these clothes been given away to another family or passed on to charities in the local area? Are you connected with other families who have older children and can pass along their used clothes?
* If your children are bored with some of their clothing, can they arrange to hold a swap party with their friends?
* Do you have to buy new clothes for your children at this time of year? Did you buy some at the end of the spring season when the sales were on? Can you and your children wait until after the Back to School rush? Can you buy clothes at the end of this coming season and hold on to them for next year? Rather than purchasing clothing from distant countries, can you support local business and craftspeople who make clothes and children’s items? Can you shop from these regional businesses who support sustainable manufacturing processes overseas, or produce their clothes locally? You can also find hyper-local clothing producers through sites such as Etsy.com. If pricing is a concern, you can join the Facebook pages of local businesses and watch for special sales announcements. Local business Agoo Apparel, for example, often advertises generous discounts. Local businesses such as RedFish Kids Clothing produce gorgeous clothing that do go on sale.
* Can you and your children reconsider how many activities should be part of the extra-curricular schedule? This change would help the family budget, provide more downtime for the children and promote a slower and more peaceful schedule in the household? These choices also reduce your family’s carbon footprint since you will not be driving back and forth to many different events and using resources to attend these events. By reducing the amount of activities attended, you provide your children with the opportunity to appreciate and enjoy the ones they have carefully selected.
* Have you thought about enrolling your children in a programme such as the Girl Guides, or a similar organization? By attending one programme they can experience sports, outdoor, cultural, community and artistic activities. Since these types of organizations are heavily supported by volunteers, they are relatively affordable.
*If you live within half an hour’s walk to your children’s school, can you and your children commit to walking to school as much as possible? Perhaps once every day, or two days?
* Can you think about how funds allocated for charities in the household budget, at least partially, can go towards supporting less fortunate children in the area? Passing on your still-in-good-shape second hand clothing and furniture can help them, but they also appreciate opportunities such as having the chance to take part in sports. One example of this type of programme is the Canadian Tire Jumpstart programme.
* During the year a family can analyze together how they are faring as consumers. What does your family need to buy and what do you want, but not need? When you are making purchasing choices will you talk about how you buy locally or will you buy something from another part of the country or world? As you reconsider what you are buying, can your family make purchasing selections that favour items with less excess packaging? (For example, buying bulk foods, while using reusable net bags, and reducing the amount of processed foods that are purchased.)
* Families can analyze if they really do need to change their TV, laptops and phones at the beginning of the school year.
* How could “unplugging” from computers, technology and social media more often, as a family, not only help use less energy, but help energize the family? As an example, do you all need to be using your smart phones during an extended family dinner?
* Can families analyze their shopping habits at big box stores? Do you and your family members get caught up in the “lost-leaders” at the front of your local Costco? (Items that are very useful but not necessarily needed.)
* Can you and your family commit to attending local events in your community that are free and accessible by foot, rideshare or local public transit? The events of the Public Dreams Society are a wonderful example of creative, local and accessible cultural events. Families can take part in pre-event workshops, attend the events and even volunteer.
During the Back to School season we can think about shopping and what changes we want to make to school lunch menus. We can also think about broader issues that have a large impact on a local, national and international scale. Some of the changes that we might want to make have a direct connection to the Back to School season. Others can start at the beginning of the school year and have a more long term influence in the lives of our family members and people in our community.
Casual conversation. General enquiries. Questions about a child’s development can be part of conversation starters or a not so subtle expression of an underlying and grave concern. When this type of conversation starts, the parents are happy to talk about theit child. A Stay-at-Home Mum, for example, spends a good part of her week with her child and knows how he or she has reached developmental milestones. Where these conversations can take a turn is when the friend, colleague, family member or stranger-at-large starts to make comparisons between the child in question and a child he or she knows. “My friend’s son is the same age and can already say three word sentences.” “I remember when my daughter’s girl was this age. She could say all of the colour names and could count to ten. How many words did you say your child knows?”
It is hard to understand the motivation behind these statements and questions. Is it concern? Is it concern pressed forward to elicit action? Does the concerned conversation partner really want to say “In other words, I’m asking you about your child and making comparisons so that you can see that there is something wrong with your child and seek medical attention”.
For the sake of simplicity, let’s call these conversation partners 19th century Armchair Critics. NACs for short. After all, the standards for child development that they quote do not appear to match the advise of any child development expert writing in modern times. NACs believe that there is a very tight window within which young children develop a skill. They also believe that if a child develops a skill before that time period, he is intellectually gifted. Similarly if his skill development is delayed there is a problem. Indeed there is the potential that this child might grow up to be intellectually inferior to the aforementioned gifted child.
The fun doesn’t stop there.
The NAC also believes that someone could be at fault. Enter the mother or primary care giver. “Little 2-year old Ethan’s nanny has taught him how to count to 20 in Spanish and read flashcards.” Pregnant pause. “So what have you been doing with YOUR child, Mum?” is the next logical question, but it isn’t vocalized.
Oh for the love of education. When will it stop? This obsession with comparing children and how they are reaching their developmental milestones has to end. It has been allowed to fester for the last few decades and, quite frankly, parents of young children everywhere are finding the tune to be beyond boring.
There are children in our midst who are struggling to learn how to speak, for example. In fact they may be experiencing a significant delay. They may be seeing a speech therapist. They might have been flagged to be at risk of having an autism spectrum disorder. They may already have a confirmed condition which affects their ability to form sounds using the muscles in their mouth, for example. They may never be able to speak as eloquently as the NAC who is currently drilling the child’s parents about this three year old’s speech development.
While most children with delayed speech and language development, for example, do not fall into this category, some may. Suggesting that a child who is not likely to experience long term delays is “at risk” shows a lack of sensitivity to the needs of children and their families who truly are coping with the likelihood of long term challenges. NACs everywhere need to leave it to medical practitioners in British Columbia, working with primary caregivers, to determine how progress is being made and whether or not there is a problem. Moreover, if a child does show challenges reaching a developmental milestone, she is not deficient compared to the children held up as examples for comparison. We all have our challenges and issues with which we struggle. Although admittedly some are more challenging than others. Yes we can compare one child’s textbook perfect development to the rate of progress of a child who seems to have less developed skills. This assessment is not based on medical fact, but rather is grounded more in our own understanding of what should be happening. Or we can allow the children in our lives the space to develop at their own pace, in their own way, to the best of their abilities. We can provide these children with as much support as we can possibly give them. Support that is grounded in a positive attitude and outlook, and a lack of judgment.
For some time now I have had a feeling of amazement every time I encounter a woman who has had two or more children within the span of a few years. What an accomplishment! What an effort! What an undertaking! What a blessing!
I first had this feeling when I was still a barely out of my teenage years and quite unaware of what pregnancy entailed. When I was 15, I babysat a newborn baby while I lived in Tokyo as an international student. For two years I looked after her while her parents attended diplomatic events or her mum went off to various functions. The family moved away and I never met up with them again. By the time the girl was six years old, she had two younger sisters. I was amazed.
Of course I still come across these types of stories. You know the ones. “…and then there were three!” Two years ago I became a mother to twins and had my own opportunity to make big changes on the home front. As one can imagine, that was quite an undertaking too. I would like to say that I loved being pregnant and that it was a blissful experience. Of course I was very pleased and felt blessed and there were special moments, such as the times when the babies would move. When I look back on that time period, however, I recall a nine month period of holding my breath, hoping and praying for the best, trying not to get too stressed and generally taking things one day at a time. Every month that we moved closer to the 30 week mark, the easier my breathing became. For the last six months I was concerned about tightening sensations and for the last four months I was on bed rest. Every two days a nurse would come by to check on the babies’ progress. I should not forget to mention that we were in the middle of a heat wave that summer and I lived in front of the water cooler. I also recall that I wasn’t able to go on a Mexican holiday at five months or walk around in high heels at eight months. I wasn’t working until two weeks before the delivery. Indeed I wasn’t really walking that much. To this day when I see very pregnant women bounding about like Ivanka Trump, playing golf while pregnant and working on the baby’s due date, I can’t help but make comparisons to my own experience.
Thanks to the care of my husband, family members and numerous medical practitioners, my husband, children and I came through the experience. I am also thankful to the director in my division at work who sent me home on sick leave four months before the children were born. If he hadn’t taken this step I fear what would have happened.
As your children get older and become toddlers, it is easy to look at other babies and pregnant women and feel nostalgic about pregnancy. It seems that many a mother has become wistful about the baby stage when her first born leaves the baby years behind. You sometimes hear stories about parents feeling like “they are not done yet”, or they want to have one more child before the wife turns 40. There must be something deeply anthropological about these emotions and thought processes. Clearly this type of yearning helps to ensure the continuation of the human population.
In our home the joy of the twins’ birth was followed by surgery for pyloric stenosis for one twin and other concerns for a possible health condition for the second twin that doesn’t appear to have come about after all. During the first few months we were in out out of doctors’ appointments regularly. We visited most of the major divisions at the BC Children’s Hospital and had Infant Development Programme professionals visiting us at home. During that time I also had the opportunity to see babies in the hospital who had concerns even more serious than those of my children.
The birth of twins is a remarkable process. I still recall the happy exclamations in the surgery room when the medical staff on hand (about a dozen of them) were told that twins were waiting to be born. I still enjoy looking at photos of the OB, GP and pediatrician who were all in the room overseeing the birth. (The Gold Star team, as I call them.) Here at BC Family we have been so blessed to have the support of doctors and special service providers for our children. The progression of our story has been quite different from those of most people I see and we have, indeed, been very busy. Yet when I see women having a baby not long after her first baby (or second) has left the baby months behind, I am even more amazed because I now understand what pregnancy and raising more than one young child entails. I also know that some women have difficulty getting pregnant for the first time or after their first child was born. Multiple pregnancies in a short period of time are nothing short of a blessing AND a miracle. Most people might think this is a normal state of affairs that has been happening for centuries. I say “congratulations and what an accomplishmnent!”
Do you ever wonder what people mean when they ask “So you’re a full-time mom?” Are they thinking how nice that is for you and your children? Are they wondering about the career you left behind – at least temporarily? Are they wondering why you aren’t working part or full time? Are they wondering why you went to graduate school and worked hard at a career, only to leave it and stay at home with your children after maternity leave ended? Are they wondering what it is like to be at home full time with your children? Are they wondering how your family can afford to not have both parents working in the hyper-expensive Lower Mainland? (Think living/real estate costs) Are they thinking that you’ve returned to the 1950s and have turned your back on feminism? Or are they simply making conversation?
Have you noticed that this type of conversation doesn’t last very long? Perhaps three sentences are exchanged, at most. Why is that? Is it because most people have had some type of experience with their own children and think they know what your life is like? Does the unpaid work of a parent seem out of place in a “what do you do” conversation?
“So you are a full-time mom?” is a typical response when a woman answers a social enquiry about her employment status. “No I’m not working right now”, she replied.
So you’re not working? What exactly are you doing with your days, mum? Are you watching The Talk until noon? Are you having lunch with your girlfriends every day while your children out with the nanny? Are you shopping in Yaletown and South Granville Rise most afternoons? Like any woman who is at home full time or works outside of the home, you have your social time and your down time; however, most of the time you are busy. If you are at home with your children full-time, you could be doing just about anything. Your schedule is probably different every day. You might have a newborn. You might have twins or a toddler and baby. Your children might be in pre-school or older. Anything is possible, but two things are certain.
Firstly, you are working. You are working full time in the home. You might refer to yourself as a Stay-at-Home-Mum (SAHM). In fact, if your children are quite young it is entirely possible that you were up at 6 AM and went to bed close to midnight. You might even be getting up multiple times during the night. Technically a mum who works in an office is working outside of the home. (This is in addition to the work that she does at home. ) Recent OECD research (see Related below) has shown that Canadian mothers work 100 more minutes a day than their partners completing unpaid work in the home, even if they are working full or part-time.
Secondly, you are not a “full-time” mum. You are a mum who cares for her children full-time, rather than employing other people to care for your children for a portion of the day. You do not share child care responsibilities with someone else. It is important to make this distinction because if you are a full-time mum, what does this make a mum who works outside of the home on a part-time or full-time basis? Does this make her a part-time mum? Of course it doesn’t. She is a mum for every waking hour of the day.
If you are not working outside of the home, does this make you a housewife? It does if you are married/living common law, of course, and if that’s how you want to define yourself. You are a wife, who is at home. You can be a housewife if you want. Or not. You can define yourself as a homemaker, if you are keen to focus on that aspect of your contributions to the home and family. There is nothing wrong with these terms. You are free to use them, or not. Or you can describe yourself as being a wife and mother, with no reference made to house and home. Or you can focus on your home business first. That can be part of your personal profile. Or not. It’s your choice how you wish to define yourself.
Children are young for a few years, and then they move on to school and away from home. Perhaps you are working outside of the home or have a home-based business while they are very young. Or you don’t work part-time or from home because of child care considerations, for example. You might decide to take on a part time or full time job when the children start school, and enlist the help of before and after school care or a nanny. Or you might not. Anything is possible. Your personal and professional profile will change over the years. You don’t have to feel defined by artificial labels.
Helicopter mothers. Tiger Moms. Perfectionist parents. There are so many fake trends being discussed in the online, television and print media. If you express a concern for your child, nowadays, you’re told that you are hovering over your child. We are meant to believe that the Baby Boomers, many of whom like to throw around fake trend terms, never worried about their own children. Mums / moms/ mothers everywhere need to get the word out about what they are doing on a daily basis to support their children as a counteractive measure against the exagerated stories in the media. The unpaid work of a parent matters in our society. In fact in Canada it matters a lot and accounts for 40% of the economy. The more women talk about their personal experiences, the more Canadians will understand what our society needs to do to support the personal and professional needs of women and children in Canada. For an example of how women achieve this level of conversation, check out the social policies in European countries.
Forget about trending catch phrases such as Ms. Big. The next time someone asks you what you do, why not reply I’m a “Domestic Goddess“*, if you like a touch of flair in your conversations, or “I’m a Chief Operating Officer (COO) at a family-run business”? Just to stir things up. One mother got tired of seeing how people shut down mentally when she explained that she was at home full time with her family. At one cocktail party she decided to give a detailed description of her work load, leaving out the part about not working for a corporation. When she described her work load her fellow event goers paid close attention. Eventually she revealed that she was a COO at her own household resident.
Oh and don’t forget to mention that you’re a feminist too! You may be at home full-time, but this does not mean that you have turned your back on feminism.
Let’s talk about the issues and news that is having an impact on children and families in our community. We’d love to hear from you. Please feel free to use our comment function below, or leave a comment on our Facebook page
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