Motherhood | BC Family

You Know - St*ff Mums Say

Jan 242012

Sh*t mums say? Hmnn. Surely on your journey as a mum you have heard your fair share of statements that could create awkward moments. In fact some people refer to some of these topics as the basis for Mommy Wars.

Sh*t Vancouver moms say was the topic of a recent comment string on Facebook. Thanks VancouverMom.ca! At last count there were 50 people who had left comments. Clearly this is a topic that resonates.

Here are some examples of SMS – or more precisely what some talk about that could be the subject of a parody about mums about town:

* shopping for organic food and items, exclusively

* shopping at the right types of stores where aforementioned organically correct items are sold

* only using the best ingredients. No sandwich meats. No foods from the middle of the store

* not using plastic bottles, even if they are BPA free

* buying precisely the right type of baby soother. Yes that BPA thing again.

* whether or not to use a soother

* the importance of wearing a baby, co-sleeping, breastfeeding for the right period of time and only using cloth diapers

* the need to hire tutors for very young children before they enter Kindergarten

* the need to attend a number of popular baby and toddler programmes such as mum and baby exercise, gymnastics, art, music, literacy, early childhood and sports classes

* comparing stay at home mums to mums who work outside the home

* comparing mums who have extra help, such as nannies and housekeepers, to mums that don’t

* the need to sign up early for programmes such as swim class or the right pre-school

* attending the right pre-school or school

* using a private/independent school versus a public school

* crossing borders (crossing the city) to attend another public school

* bench marks that your child has mastered. Think eating, talking, walking, crawling, toilet training andreading independently ,for example. “What do you mean you’re taking a relaxed approach to toilet training? Your children are 2 1/2!”

* going on holidays with your children. “What? You haven’t travelled in years?”

* I need my Girls Night Out and luncheons alone with my girlfriends. “What? You don’t go out on your own?”

* having the right type of dentist. “What? Your children go to a regular dentist?”

* Childcare/Nannies/Babysitters “What? You don’t have one?”

* the need to drive around to many places every day in your car, coffee mug in hand. “What? You don’t drink coffee? You don’t live in your car half the time? You don’t have a second car? You don’t have a car Monday to Friday AND you don’t have bus service during the day?!”

* the need to have the right educational toys and gear

* the need to cook all baby food/food from scratch

* why you waited to have children. “You’re over 35, aren’t you? Left it a bit late didn’t you? Why did you wait? What? You mean you didn’t wait on purpose? But you’re 40!”

* are you the nanny?

* did you adopt your children from China?

* do twins run in your family? [Let's talk about how you procreated.]

* not needing second hand clothes/pass offs when offered

* having the right safety devices or not having enough of them

Who could argue that it is bad to buy organic food or breastfeed a child? Unfortunately some mums shrink into their allotted seat at mums and babies groups when they feel they have somehow been deficient compared to the prevailing opinion or habits of a group. That’s when a situation can go from awkward to just plain uncomfortable.

” No. I am not a part-time mum because I had a nanny help me during the first year of my twins’ lives.” [I don't think I want to attend this mums and babies group anymore.]

Just in case you think these conversation starters are exclusive to mums, we could just as easily talk about Sh*t Dads say. After all, just the other day one dad said to another “WHAT. Seriously, buddy? You don’t know about that indoor playground?”.

[Confused look ensued.]

Uh. No. He didn’t.

It would a treat to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit the BCFamily.ca Facebook page.

Related

Are You the Nanny?

Comparisons and the Child

Let’s Talk: Are You a Part-Time Mum?

Being the Good Mum: Everyone’s Got an Opinion

…and just in case you thought mama bloggers don’t have a twist on this trending topic, here’s a sassy video from Mamaknowsitall.com

Daily Dish: Be Brave Not Bland

Children's clothing, Daily Dish, Motherhood No Responses »

Jan 062012

Tricia Guild, OBE is the Founder and Creative Director of Designers Guild in the United Kingdom. Since 1970 she has been known for her bold use of contrasting colours in interior design and related interior products and furnishings such as fabric, wallpaper and paint. In the per-Internet era when people relied on books, magazines and TV shows for information, Tricia’s work stood out as bold and spirited. With the cacophony of information available on the Internet, her influence isn’t as obvious but she is still highly respected for her innovative vision.

Images from White Hot: Cool Colours for Modern Living by Tricia Guild

Recently I’ve been thinking about the pre-Internet days and remembered pouring over images of her work. I own one of her books – White Hot – and have read many magazine articles about her. I must have analyzed many of her other books in bookstores because I was certain that I owned others as well. It turns out I do not. A few weeks ago, inspired by Tricia’s vision of colour, I decided to dress my toddler daughter in an outfit that consisted of a medium yellow 3/4 length top and skirt with multi-coloured and purple dots, and a pair of purple tights, with white dots. If Tricia can go bold with colours, why can’t my daughter and I? (On another day she wore the cheerful outfit you see in the photo inserted below.)

While standing in a lineup amongst a group of children and parents one mother commented to another that my daughter was wearing an ”INTERESTING outfit”. You know what that means - weird, “what WAS her mother thinking?” interesting. Yes I don’t dress my children in head to toe matching Baby Gap. I also don’t grab whatever clothes are clean and toss them on my daughter. I like to have fun combining her clothes in creative ways – many of which are hand-me-downs - and I get her involved in the process. At age two she has developed an early appreciation for colours and fabric design.

I grew up with a mother who sewed most of my clothes and would even make matching outfits for my dolls. She paid close attention to pattern and line in fabric and sometimes she made bold choices. The emotions that I attached to these fabrics influenced my own aesthetic sense. Today my mother continues to sew beautiful and unique clothes for her granddaughters. If you can’t wear fashionably daring clothes when you are young, when are you going to start?

For me, colour has always been life enhancing and stimulating. I think it’s essential for the soul, and as a result, it has always been inherent in designing collections. In terms of design and aesthetic, it’s as important as pattern and texture. [...] Be brave and use the colours and patterns [you] really love rather than play it safe and end up with a blander scheme with no character. Tricia Guild interviewed by Style at Home magazine.

Related

There are relatively few videos online about Tricia Guild’s work. Here is one, in French, showing Tricia’s home in London. You will need to register with the site before you can watch the video. If you like Tricia’s work, it’s worth the effort.

We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.

Daily Dish Archives Pamela Chan/Publisher, BCfamily.ca

Why DID She Wait to Have a Child?

In the News, Motherhood No Responses »

Nov 222011

The collective vitriol against women in their later years of fertility for their hope in being able to conceive is what’s getting old, while our happy optimism is keeping us 40-somethings young – and dare I say, wrinkle-free. Melanie Notkin, SavvyAuntie.com

This month you won’t have to look too far before you will come across an article about women who delay getting pregnant. Here’s how the story line will go. Women are delaying pregnancy. They are focussing on their academic endeavours and careers, thinking that they will still be able to become pregnant well into their 40s. The examples set by famous Hollywood personalities who are having babies in their 40s gives the wrong message to women today. Women should understand that many of these older mums are using frozen or donated eggs and embryos in order to achieve a pregnancy. The procedures they use are invasive, expensive and potentially life threatening.

Who can argue with this information? Women don’t need national doctors’ associations to tell us that fertility dwindles every year that we age. They know that fertility treatments are expensive, difficult and not always successful. They know that the Hollywood story is never the full story.

The question that is not being adressed by journalists focuses on the most important point. Are women delaying pregnancy? Certainly many women are having babies when they are older but is this a deliberate choice? Should we ask the opinion of journalists who haven’t passed age 30 and can merely speculate about how they will feel about their fertility ten years down the track? Will these women know how their lives will turn out by the time they reach 35 or 40? Should we focus on media personalities such as Celine Dion who finished a five year contract before becoming pregnant with twins after five failed IVF attempts? Isn’t it a better idea to ask average women who are over 35 and 40? What have their experiences been? Did they really put schooling and career before having a child? If they didn’t, do we care about their reasons for becoming a mother after 35? Or do we just want to think that women believe they can have it all, no matter the cost?

If you are in your 20s and wonder why your friends and colleagues did not start their families until age 35 and older, here are few pointers that you will want to consider.

* Many women do not date, to any significant degree, between ages 17 and 24. Amongst their schoolmates from high school, the story might be quite different. Many of their friends might be married by their late 20s. Most of these married friends will have started a family by the time they are 30. In Great Britain, for example, the average age for a woman to start a family is at 29 – the age of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. However this story is not every woman’s story. Many women do not meet their life partner until their mid or late 20s, or many years later. Many women are choosing to get married after age 30.

* When a woman is living on a modest income in recessionary times – think 2011 or the early 1990s for the Generation X – volunteering is a great way to get out in the community, give back, meet people and have a bit of fun. It is not a great way to meet members of the opposite sex. (If that is something you would like to do.) Most of the volunteers women will encounter will be female.

* In some careers, such as teaching younger students, almost 100% of the staff members are female. This is not an ideal situation for personal networking purposes.

* Some women decide to move away from their home or university town after finishing their post-secondary training, undergraduate or graduate degree. Some women try to overcome the poor job selection in their home town or country and move to another country or continent. This means that they will need to take the time to establish a new social network. This takes time. If she is on a limited time track to start a family, this relocation will delay her progress.

* When a woman is in her mid to late 20s, starting a family may not be a priority as other pressing issues demand her attention. Paying off student loans, being fiscally responsible, starting a new job and career and building a social circle will be first and foremost in her mind.

* If she is a minority in a foreign country, she can expect that her fellow country men will not be particularly interested in her. She can expect to meet many men who are tired of the women back home and want to meet the more enticing local options.

* When she is working overseas the foreign men she meets just might have a girlfriend or even wife tucked away in their home country. Think Naval officer who isn’t such a gentleman, with a woman in very port, or Italian professional who is living too much of La Dolce Vita. If she does not want to be flavour of the moment, she should proceed with caution. Marriage and babies will not be following these types of encounters. Numerous relationships over the course of months and years will be on the menu.

* As she tries to build a career, that will support her financially and allow her to do more than cover her basic expenses, she might have to work hard – maybe even work long hours. The time that she spends on her work related efforts will take away from socializing and meeting a potential spouse.

* If she moves more than once during her 20s and 30s, she will find that after each move she will face personal disruptions to her social life as she put down roots again. (This point bears repeating.)

* Taking time off to complete graduate school or further professional training can work in her favour, on the personal front, if she meets a future spouse. If she doesn’t, or if she makes choices in romantic partners that do not turn out well, her years spent in Academe will not help her along her path to becoming married and a mother.

* Every year that she gets older, more younger women join the single women scene and she is ranked by an increasingly younger standard. Men her age might start to focus more on younger women. Some might even make jokes about the fertility of older women and their biological clocks. If she decides to date a man even one or two years younger, cougar jokes start to circulate when she is still in her early 30s.

* If she is 35 or older, she might find her doctor is practically jumping around his office telling her that her fertility dwindles after 35 and to not believe that Hollywood actors are using their own eggs. She politely tells her doctor that she is not married – indeed she has only just started dating someone and cannot speed up her motherhood journey.

* When she does meet the right person and gets married, children won’t necessarily come along right away. It might be years before she and her partner see a positive sign. Meanwhile she can be certain that she will hear every story going about X or Y who decided to become pregnant and, oh look, two months later she was with child.

* Once she is married and thinking about starting a family others will assume she will never have a child. Some might start to suggest that she adopts. It isn’t that she is completely against adoption, but she still wants to see if she can have a child.

* Is she expecting to have it all now that she is over 35 and would like to start a family? Is there evidence that she deliberately delayed getting married and starting a family? She knows what the answer is. Unfortunately her side of the story is rarely told.

*When she does become pregnant in her late 30s or early 40s her colleague says “Gee you left it a bit late to have children, hey?”

She is speechless.

The Parent Project: Podcast about what can happen when older women attempt to have a child

Fertility Success Story of a PANK (Professional Auntie, No Kids)

SchadenForty SavvyAuntie Melanie Notkin tells her side of the story.

Worried About Being an Older Mum? Don’t, Says Experts

Profiling 40-Year-Old Hopeful Moms as Yoga Bunnies Has Got to Stop

We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.

Motherhood, Depression and Social Policy in Canada

Family, In the News, Motherhood, Parenting No Responses »

Aug 242011

A day does not go by when a Stay at Home or Working Out of the Home mother does not find a news story telling her what she is doing, not doing and feeling. We live in an era when findings from studies – well designed or not – are easily disseminated by way of social media links, online media outlets or attention-grabbing headlines on the national news. This type of information even shows up on websites like this one!

The latest research about mothers and depression was presented this week by Katrina Leupp, graduate student from the University of Washington, at an American Sociological Association conference in Nevada. Leupp accessed a National Longtitudinal Survey run by the US. Department of Labor that included data from a survey of 1,600 married women carried out in 2006. At the time the average age of the women was 40. These same women were interviewed previously when they were between age 22 and 30 about their attitudes towards being a working mother. Leupp concluded that the women who were keenest to engage in careers while being parents were more likely to suffer from depression than women who were initially against the idea of trying to balance both roles. Or to put it another way, the keen women initially responded that the combination of a career and parenthood could be done with relative ease.

A second finding was that women who are stay at home mums, and who often cannot enter the workforce due to circumstances beyond their control, are more likely to experience depression than mums who work outside of the home. Many of the news articles reporting the findings are highlighting the idea, to use their wording, that super moms, with high flying careers, need to chill. You can hear the gnashing teeth of hard working women everywhere who are busy working outside of the home and raising children.

In media interviews Leupp repeatedly states that working is beneficial for a woman’s health; however, does it follow that staying out of the workforce is bad for women’s health? Nobody would suggest that there aren’t women who are happy to be at home full time caring for their children. While many of these women would be able to point to daily challenges that they experience, many would also argue that their mental health is as good as the average mother who works outside of the home. Are all women who are forced to exit the workforce due to economic or other circumstances likely to suffer in terms of their health? Here in Canada Stephen Harper’s Conservative Party colleagues favour the stay at home option. The Federal government currently provides Canadian parents with modest payments that can be used as parents see fit. This is a soft version of the “everyone can look after themselves” attitudes you find in the United States and increasingly in Great Britain. One could argue that it is an approach that would be more favourable to conservative (with a small c) Canadian families who believe that the mother should stay at home with their children in the early years.

Conversely, in many western European OECD countries governments have promoted social policies, such as fully funded and accessible childcare for pre-toddlers and older, that support the re-entry of mothers into the workforce. The underlying strategy was to increase female participation in the workforce in order to strengthen their economies. Here in Canada the question of mothers (or a stay at home father) entering the workforce and the funding of Early Childhood Education & Care (ECEC) centres is never discussed in these terms. In Scandinavia, where social policy related to women and children is advanced compared to North American standards, a reporter would be hard pressed to find a mother who isn’t working outside the home.

The current approach to ECE&C funding by the Federal and Provincial governments is an alternative to the Federal and Provincial funding of accessible and affordable ECEC facilities. In cities such as Ottawa, the New Democrat Party are reporting that 9,000 families (you read that right) are on wait lists for licensed care facilities. The situation in Vancouver is equally as bleak. It is not unusual to meet a parent who will tell you that they were on a licensed child care facility wait list for three years before a space opened up. For two years following maternity leave, the parents “made do” with less than adequate alternatives.

Meanwhile many women in more senior positions, such as older mums over 30, are returning to their jobs before their maternity leaves are over in order to protect their jobs. A long absence from a management position, for example, greatly reduces a woman’s influence in an office, in a political sense; can affect future work allocation and participation in ongoing projects; and, can directly or indirectly lead to changes in a job profile or even dismissal while on maternity leave. (See: Working to Live ) Accommodations for all of these possible outcomes are usually included in the administrative policies of larger organizations. As one female author online asked, “who’s more likely to be dismissed during an office reshuffle? The man who gave a PowerPoint presentation last week or the woman who’s been off for months on maternity leave?”

How does these considerations relate to a study about mothers and depression? In North America we receive failing grades from international organizations such as the OECD in the area of ECE&C. Privately we value our children, but collectively we have been unable to decide how we want to support parents and caregivers, as they in turn care for children. We debate about whether children should be cared for by the parent or a licensed care giver. We debate about how should pay for these services. We debate about what types of programme should be in place and who should pay for these programmes. Some might argue that – quite frankly – we’re hardly debating about these topics at all. They arise every four years during election time, and disapear again. Meanwhile women – young and older mothers – are struggling to reconcile their role as parent with their role as employee without the support of strong policies in the workforce and the understanding of Canadians in general. Leupp concludes that, at least in the United States, for many women these struggles include depression.

In reference to the University of Washington study, Leupp points out that there are women at home with their children who cannot fully engage in the workforce in the United States where, despite the shorter maternity leaves, working conditions are similar to those in Canada. Why is that? Is there no available childcare? Is childcare too unaffordable? Are the terms of her working life so restrictive that it became too difficult to work?

Leupp also mentions a finding that has been highlighted in other research studies. Women – whether or not they work outside of the home – still complete the majority of the housework in the home. In Canada that rate is well over 50%. How does this rate compare to other countries? As the author suggests, should women simply accept this reality, or can we, in our society, encourage new attitudes towards sharing the workload on the home front? Leupp also touches on the topic of stay at home fathers. Increasingly fathers in Canada are taking advantage of paternity leave or are considering their options when it comes to staying at home with their children. In Scandinavia there are strong examples of how men can contribute to the full time care of children, thereby allowing mothers to protect their careers as well. (See: Fatherhood in Sweden )

A focus of Leupp’s study centres on womens’ expectations. Her findings suggest more questions. Is it realistic for a young woman to expect that a career and parenthood should go together seemlessly? How do the attitudes of a Generation X parent compare to those of younger women today who were raised in slightly different family circumstances? How do the depictions in the media of harried, super multi tasking, hovering, Tiger mums influence a woman’s ability to define what she wants and can expect for her own parenting journey?

Tomorrow, or the next day, another study will be released with more information about motherhood and parenting. Here in British Columbia and in Canada the challenge for mothers and parents everywhere is to engage in increased and louder discussions about their experiences and needs. Many questions need to be asked. What types of work/childcare arrangements are working for them? What isn’t working? What types of changes help them? How much does it cost parents to pay for childcare? How much does it cost them to live in the Lower Mainland or other parts of British Columbia and Canada? How much are their mortgage payments and what is their cost of living compared to their income? How long is their commute? What type of commute do they have? What type of transit options can parents access? What type 0f childcare facility/provider are they using? What type of childcare programme does their child experience in this center? How would they assess the quality of care there? What are the professional qualificiations of their childcare provider? What did she/he have to study in order to achieve these qualifications? How supportive are their employers and colleagues regarding the daily challenges they face as a parent? Do some of their colleagues resent that they might use sick time to support their sick child or that they might arrive late or leave early in order to support their child’s needs? Does their office allow for some work-at-home time? Did the mother return to work before her maternity leave was finished? Does she feel that her position at work was compromized because of her absence from work? Did she feel that she needed to stay in touch with the office and with the progression of work and ongoing projects at the office while on maternity leave in order to protect her position? If her position was cut during maternity leave, why does she think that happened? Why do Stay at Home Mums prefer to be a stay at home parent? As a SAHM, what are the rewards and challenges of her role? What kind of support networks and resources do they have in their community for their children and for themselves? What kind of services can she access that are free or affordable? Does she feel isolated from or a part of an adult world where most people work outside of the home? Does she feel that people respect her choice to be a SAHM beyond maternity leave? Do people still recognize her other academic and professional qualifications in conversations and interactions? Would she be able to find part-time care should she take on a part-time job or work from home?

These are some of the many questions and topics that women can and do discuss privately, at work, online and in the media. With the advancements in technology and new tools coming out monthly in the realm of Social Media, women in urban and rural British Columbia can use creative methods to get their message out. Studies can help to raise further questions but the women who are directly involved need to be at the centre of the conversations and the related development of social policies by Federal and Provincial governments.

We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.

Related

Readers comment on this topic over at the Globeandmail.com

What Happy Working Mothers Know: How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Lead to a Healthy and Happy Work/Life Balance* (See related review )

To the Mothers Who Work Outside of the Home

Stay-at-home moms have the hardest job – latimes.com
Depression danger of the supermums who try and do everything themselves | Mail Online
No such thing as a supermom: Study | Life | Toronto Sun
Motherhood More Depressing Than Ever
Who Is Happier, The Working Mother or the Stay-At-Home Mom?
Women who want to be supermoms at higher depression risk – WDAF
Being A Stay At Home Mom Is The Toughest Job For Women | SmartAboutHealth.Net
‘Supermums’ more likely to be depressed – Telegraph
Supermums with high-flying careers at risk of depression, study says – mirror.co.uk
Supermom Myth Can Make You Miserable – Health News – Health.com
Working Women Who Try to Be ‘Supermom’ May Be More Depressed TIME Healthland

* BCFamily.ca is a member of the Amazon Associates Programme

Daily Dish: And Then There Were Three

Daily Dish, Family, Motherhood, Parenting No Responses »

Aug 082011

For some time now I have had a feeling of amazement every time I encounter a woman who has had two or more children within the span of a few years. What an accomplishment! What an effort! What an undertaking! What a blessing!

I first had this feeling when I was still a barely out of my teenage years and quite unaware of what pregnancy entailed. When I was 15, I babysat a newborn baby while I lived in Tokyo as an international student. For two years I looked after her while her parents attended diplomatic events or her mum went off to various functions. The family moved away and I never met up with them again. By the time the girl was six years old, she had two younger sisters. I was amazed.

Of course I still come across these types of stories. You know the ones. “…and then there were three!” Two years ago I became a mother to twins and had my own opportunity to make big changes on the home front. As one can imagine, that was quite an undertaking too. I would like to say that I loved being pregnant and that it was a blissful experience. Of course I was very pleased and felt blessed and there were special moments, such as the times when the babies would move. When I look back on that time period, however, I recall a nine month period of holding my breath, hoping and praying for the best, trying not to get too stressed and generally taking things one day at a time. Every month that we moved closer to the 30 week mark, the easier my breathing became. For the last six months I was concerned about tightening sensations and for the last four months I was on bed rest. Every two days a nurse would come by to check on the babies’ progress. I should not forget to mention that we were in the middle of a heat wave that summer and I lived in front of the water cooler. I also recall that I wasn’t able to go on a Mexican holiday at five months or walk around in high heels at eight months. I wasn’t working until two weeks before the delivery. Indeed I wasn’t really walking that much. To this day when I see very pregnant women bounding about like Ivanka Trump, playing golf while pregnant and working on the baby’s due date, I can’t help but make comparisons to my own experience.

Thanks to the care of my husband, family members and numerous medical practitioners, my husband, children and I came through the experience. I am also thankful to the director in my division at work who sent me home on sick leave four months before the children were born. If he hadn’t taken this step I fear what would have happened.

As your children get older and become toddlers, it is easy to look at other babies and pregnant women and feel nostalgic about pregnancy. It seems that many a mother has become wistful about the baby stage when her first born leaves the baby years behind. You sometimes hear stories about parents feeling like “they are not done yet”, or they want to have one more child before the wife turns 40. There must be something deeply anthropological about these emotions and thought processes. Clearly this type of yearning helps to ensure the continuation of the human population.

In our home the joy of the twins’ birth was followed by surgery for pyloric stenosis for one twin and other concerns for a possible health condition for the second twin that doesn’t appear to have come about after all. During the first few months we were in out out of doctors’ appointments regularly. We visited most of the major divisions at the BC Children’s Hospital and had Infant Development Programme professionals visiting us at home. During that time I also had the opportunity to see babies in the hospital who had concerns even more serious than those of my children.

The birth of twins is a remarkable process. I still recall the happy exclamations in the surgery room when the medical staff on hand (about a dozen of them) were told that twins were waiting to be born. I still enjoy looking at photos of the OB, GP and pediatrician who were all in the room overseeing the birth. (The Gold Star team, as I call them.) Here at BC Family we have been so blessed to have the support of doctors and special service providers for our children. The progression of our story has been quite different from those of most people I see and we have, indeed, been very busy. Yet when I see women having a baby not long after her first baby (or second) has left the baby months behind, I am even more amazed because I now understand what pregnancy and raising more than one young child entails. I also know that some women have difficulty getting pregnant for the first time or after their first child was born. Multiple pregnancies in a short period of time are nothing short of a blessing AND a miracle. Most people might think this is a normal state of affairs that has been happening for centuries. I say “congratulations and what an accomplishmnent!”

Related

I Wear the Maternity Pants in This Family (By Susan Konig)*

*BCFamily.ca is a member of the Amazon Associates programme

We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.

Daily Dish Archives Pamela Chan/Publisher, BCfamily.ca

Let's Talk: Are You a Part-time Mum?

Family, Let's Talk, Motherhood No Responses »

Jul 202011

Do you ever wonder what people mean when they ask “So you’re a full-time mom?” Are they thinking how nice that is for you and your children? Are they wondering about the career you left behind – at least temporarily? Are they wondering why you aren’t working part or full time? Are they wondering why you went to graduate school and worked hard at a career, only to leave it and stay at home with your children after maternity leave ended? Are they wondering what it is like to be at home full time with your children? Are they wondering how your family can afford to not have both parents working in the hyper-expensive Lower Mainland? (Think living/real estate costs) Are they thinking that you’ve returned to the 1950s and have turned your back on feminism? Or are they simply making conversation?

Have you noticed that this type of conversation doesn’t last very long? Perhaps three sentences are exchanged, at most. Why is that? Is it because most people have had some type of experience with their own children and think they know what your life is like? Does the unpaid work of a parent seem out of place in a “what do you do” conversation?

“So you are a full-time mom?” is a typical response when a woman answers a social enquiry about her employment status. “No I’m not working right now”, she replied.

So you’re not working? What exactly are you doing with your days, mum? Are you watching The Talk until noon? Are you having lunch with your girlfriends every day while your children out with the nanny? Are you shopping in Yaletown and South Granville Rise most afternoons? Like any woman who is at home full time or works outside of the home, you have your social time and your down time; however, most of the time you are busy. If you are at home with your children full-time, you could be doing just about anything. Your schedule is probably different every day. You might have a newborn. You might have twins or a toddler and baby. Your children might be in pre-school or older. Anything is possible, but two things are certain.

Firstly, you are working. You are working full time in the home. You might refer to yourself as a Stay-at-Home-Mum (SAHM). In fact, if your children are quite young it is entirely possible that you were up at 6 AM and went to bed close to midnight. You might even be getting up multiple times during the night. Technically a mum who works in an office is working outside of the home. (This is in addition to the work that she does at home. ) Recent OECD research (see Related below) has shown that Canadian mothers work 100 more minutes a day than their partners completing unpaid work in the home, even if they are working full or part-time.

Secondly, you are not a “full-time” mum. You are a mum who cares for her children full-time, rather than employing other people to care for your children for a portion of the day. You do not share child care responsibilities with someone else. It is important to make this distinction because if you are a full-time mum, what does this make a mum who works outside of the home on a part-time or full-time basis? Does this make her a part-time mum? Of course it doesn’t. She is a mum for every waking hour of the day.

If you are not working outside of the home, does this make you a housewife? It does if you are married/living common law, of course, and if that’s how you want to define yourself. You are a wife, who is at home. You can be a housewife if you want. Or not. You can define yourself as a homemaker, if you are keen to focus on that aspect of your contributions to the home and family. There is nothing wrong with these terms. You are free to use them, or not. Or you can describe yourself as being a wife and mother, with no reference made to house and home. Or you can focus on your home business first. That can be part of your personal profile. Or not. It’s your choice how you wish to define yourself.

Children are young for a few years, and then they move on to school and away from home. Perhaps you are working outside of the home or have a home-based business while they are very young. Or you don’t work part-time or from home because of child care considerations, for example. You might decide to take on a part time or full time job when the children start school, and enlist the help of before and after school care or a nanny. Or you might not. Anything is possible. Your personal and professional profile will change over the years. You don’t have to feel defined by artificial labels.

Helicopter mothers. Tiger Moms. Perfectionist parents. There are so many fake trends being discussed in the online, television and print media. If you express a concern for your child, nowadays, you’re told that you are hovering over your child. We are meant to believe that the Baby Boomers, many of whom like to throw around fake trend terms, never worried about their own children. Mums / moms/ mothers everywhere need to get the word out about what they are doing on a daily basis to support their children as a counteractive measure against the exagerated stories in the media. The unpaid work of a parent matters in our society. In fact in Canada it matters a lot and accounts for 40% of the economy. The more women talk about their personal experiences, the more Canadians will understand what our society needs to do to support the personal and professional needs of women and children in Canada. For an example of how women achieve this level of conversation, check out the social policies in European countries.

Forget about trending catch phrases such as Ms. Big. The next time someone asks you what you do, why not reply I’m a “Domestic Goddess“*, if you like a touch of flair in your conversations, or “I’m a Chief Operating Officer (COO) at a family-run business”? Just to stir things up. One mother got tired of seeing how people shut down mentally when she explained that she was at home full time with her family. At one cocktail party she decided to give a detailed description of her work load, leaving out the part about not working for a corporation. When she described her work load her fellow event goers paid close attention. Eventually she revealed that she was a COO at her own household resident.

Oh and don’t forget to mention that you’re a feminist too! You may be at home full-time, but this does not mean that you have turned your back on feminism.

Related

Superwoman to Domestic Goddess*

Cooking, Caring and Volunteering: UnPaid Work Around the World

*BCFamily.ca is an Associate of Amazon.com

Let’s talk about the issues and news that is having an impact on children and families in our community. We’d love to hear from you. Please feel free to use our comment function below, or leave a comment on our Facebook page

Being the Good Mum: Everyone's Got an Opinion

Motherhood No Responses »

May 212011

“After the break, you won’t want to miss this story.” Here we go again. Peter Mansbridge and his crew serving up another story that’s trending about the modern mom.

* Mums avoiding minute amounts of radiation in their child’s milk (See interview with parents walking out of upscale Urban Fare. Is this a typical Vancouver parent?)

* Mums using harnesses for their toddlers (Cut to video of mum “walking” child in a harness on the grass. Is this where she usually uses it?)

* Mums enrolling their children in expensive preschool programmes

* Mums and potential mums using fertility treatments (Did the parents really say that their child’s completion of this programme is a culmination of their dreams?)

* Mums react to the election banter about families. (The topics they roll out for every election and then promptly forget.)

The story rolls and somewhat worn-out generalizations are served up, packaged within a glossy presentation put together by an experienced journalist. Canadians everywhere roll their eyes collectively.

These days it seems everyone’s got an opinion about mothers and what they should and shouldn’t be doing. It’s a longstanding tradition, you might say. Except that now in this era of social media and Reality TV, “news light” stories can be found when you turn on your TV, a talk show, or crank up the computer. Even if you avoid the journalist looking for a story, if you’re a mum of young children you’ve probably been given some of the following bits of advice by people you know and random strangers passing by. The advice covers all manner of topics and aren’t necessarily the sexy topics featured on the evening news. For every opinion, there’s an opposite point of view. The push and pull continues, as it has done for generations.

So buckle up. When it comes to advice, no stone is left unturned.

- She isn’t dressed warm enough. She needs another sweater. She needs a jacket. Her jacket isn’t buttoned up enough. She needs a warmer jacket. She needs shoes and socks.

* She is over dressed. It’s spring. She’ll be too warm. She doesn’t need another layer. That jacket is for winter.

- She needs organically correct clothes that don’t have chemicals and dyes in them.

* Organic clothes? That’s ridiculous. Regular clothes are fine.

- Here are the latest fashions on your favourite mom website for you to buy for your child.

* Who spends that much on clothes?

- Here are the latest green products for you to buy for your child.

* You did hear what I said about spending too much, didn’t you?

- She has a fever. She needs Tylenol. You can get other drugs from the doctor as well.

* Don’t use Tylenol. They advise against it these days. Here’s a link to the latest news story.

- Don’t use children’s products that have been recalled.

* Are you serious? Put the protective clip on your drop-side crib and get over the fact that children have died using them.

- You should be feeding your baby solids.

* Don’t feed your baby solids so early. They’ve changed the standards now. Ask your doctor.

- You should give your toddler soft cooked peanuts to introduce nuts. It’s now thought that delaying nuts can make the problem worse.

* Don’t give nuts too early. It could cause an allergic reaction.

- Your baby will get cold. Put a blanket on him.

* Babies shouldn’t sleep with blankets. It can cause SIDS.

- Babies should sleep in sleeveless blankets sewn at the bottom instead of blankets.

- Don’t keep your baby in this blanket sleeper when they can start to crawl.

- Let your child dig in the dirt and be a child. It helps to ward off asthma.

* You don’t know what kind of chemicals are in the dirt these days. Don’t let your child put anything in her mouth.

- She’s not feeling well. She needs homemade comfort food.

* You can’t be making homemade food for them all the time. You don’t have the time. Serve her store bought soup.

- Store bought soup isn’t healthy.

- Serve your children organic food.

* Organic food is too expensive and how do we know it’s organic?

- If your child isn’t feeling well get her in to see a doctor.

* Don’t waste the doctor’s time with small concerns. The health care system is overburdened as it is.

- Get some extra cleaning help. You have enough to do. You don’t have the time to be cleaning bathtubs and floors.

* You’re not working during the week. Surely you can find time to clean your house.

- Take a break during the day and do something for yourself.

* There she was, in the middle of the day, sitting on the couch watching Oprah.

- How old is your child? (She’s 2) Oh she’s not much older than my two. Does she come here often? (Her grandma usually brings her. I work.) Oh. I see. (Do you work?) I don’t work right now.

Conversation ends abruptly.

- She cries too much. She cries all the time.

* She cries because she isn’t speaking yet. It’s where she is at developmentally.

- To help her speak sooner, keep your statements short using single words or two word phrases.

* Children need to be exposed to natural language patterns. These new suggestions are ridiculous.

- You pick her up too much. She is clinging to you.

* Children need to feel the close bond of their parent in the early years.

- Co-sleep with you baby.

* You can roll over on your baby and smother her if you co-sleep.

- Breast feeding is better than formula.

* I couldn’t breast feed. It wasn’t working.

- Don’t give up. Seek help. (You gave up too soon.)

* I did seek help.

- I know where my baby is. I won’t smother her. Your baby – sleeping in her own room – doesn’t know where you are.

- Children are developing their emotional foundations at this age. Don’t yell at them.

* You are too soft with her. There is no discipline. You need to be firmer.

- She needs to eat a variety of food – preferably homemade.

* Just serve her baby food. It’s not realistic to make food from scatch.

- The pioneers made food from scratch.

* That’s because they had to.

- She’s throwing her bowl/not eating. Children her age don’t do that.

* She’s a toddler. This is what she does.

- Listen to Super Nanny. Put her on the naughty cushion.

* Don’t follow Super Nanny. Children shouldn’t be put on time outs – especially at this age.

- She needs to be socialized better and meet more children. This is why she isn’t talking very much.

* You can’t be running around all the time. You don’t have the time and they need to have a simple schedule.

- She should be enrolled in classes for children where she can meet children and prepare for school.

* These classes are too expensive and are unnecessary. She can learn things at home.

- She should be bathed every day.

* Toddlers don’t need to be bathed every day. It’s not good for their skin.

- She should be using cloth diapers. It’s better for the environment.

* Washing cloth diapers uses up more resources of energy and water, and creates more pollutants than disposable diapers.

- Don’t let her cry. She’ll get hysterical. Can’t you see she needs comforting.

* Let her cry. She’s become too much of a crier and needs to learn she can’t have her way all the time. She’s learn to stop.

- She’s not a child in a Romanian orphanage sitting in a crib all day learning not to cry because no one will come.

- Make sure your home is safe for your child. Do you have enough of devices x, y & z?

* Why do you need these things.? You’re being over protective. Let her be.

- Make sure you keep her car seat back facing as long as possible – like they do in Europe.

* What? You haven’t turned her car seat around yet?

- Children shouldn’t watch TV at a young age.

* That’s ridiculous. There’s no harm in letting children watching cartoons.

- Don’t make the mistakes of previous generations of parents. You don’t want to be a helicopter parent do you?

* Just ignore these debates. They’re rubbish. Nobody admits to being a helicopter parent. Can you find a parent of a Generation Y or Gen Next who will admit to such a transgression?

- You need to sign your child up early for a good pre-school.

* Why rush? That’s silly. There are lots of good pre-schools.

- Choose a pre-school that prepares the child for Kindergarten.

* At a young age children should not be pressed into academics. They need time to play and be children.

- Make sure you pick a school with a high quality programme – preferably Montessori.

* All pre-schools are the same and these Montessori programmes are too expensive.

- Take care to offer your child the right balance of care and opportunities.

* You spend all of your waking time on your child/children. You don’t spend enough time on yourself/your spouse.

- Cook healthy food for your family

* Buy premade food. Make it easier on yourself. You don’t have time and it’s just as healthy.

- Offer your child the same food 12 times if necessary, until she likes it. You don’t want her to develop food issues.

* Insist that she try just a little. Otherwise she’ll never want to try it and you can’t be making food and wasting it.

- Your child picks at her food and doesn’t eat enough. She’s too thin.

* She eats well during the course of the whole week. Her weight is fine.

- Your child isn’t speaking enough for her age. She needs medical intervention.

* Some children speak quite late. There isn’t an issue.

- Take advantage of the medical support/services provided by the healthcare system.

* Doctors will have you running around stressing out way too much. Avoid all of this nonsense. Your child will be fine.

- Your child isn’t well? It’s nothing. Mum’s worry too much.

* It’s good that you brought your child in. This is a serious situation – potentially life threatening.

- The modern mum should take care of herself. She should get some childcare help and go to the gym regularly for yoga classes

* Childcare? What childcare? I don’t have relatives nearby and offers to help from friends are to be used for special occassions. Not multiple times a week.

- Get your husband to help.

* My husband? He’s been up since 6 and traveled three hours on transit. He needs a rest.

* Husband? What husband?

- The modern mum needs to take care of her appearance for herself, never mind anyone else. The modern mum can be sexy. Heck – it’s a crude saying from younger men - but some are even referred to as MILF.

* Are you serious? It’s hard enough to get my children dressed and get the morning routine going, then get into clothes and showered myself. Did I mention I was up late cleaning and I’m tired? Now you want me to go for regular hair cuts, tart up with makeup and shop for the latest clothes? Did I mention we have one household car, limited funds and other priorities for our shopping time?

- You don’t have time to work part-time or full-time. You have young children who need high quality care. Your children are only young once.

* Did you hear about Susie? She has three children and is a Director at her firm. She uses daycare/has a nanny. They’re financially secure and her career is going gang busters. Have you seen the fabulous house they just bought on the west-side?

- Mums need to let other people know what about the contributions that they make to their family and the community. When friends/family get together a mum should clearly state information about her challenges/achievements as a mum.

* Why does she keep overstating her contributions? Is she the only woman who’s a mum/busy/working hard? I’m a hard working single woman. Who cares about my story?

- A mother and wife should not neglect her husband. This can lead to problems. You know what I’m talking about here.

* Every couple has these challenges of finding the time and energy to fit it all in. I’m doing my best. I was up at 6. It’s 11 and I’m still cleaning.

- Just let things slide with the housework. It’s all about priorities.

* Have you seen how messy their house is. What is she doing all day? She doesn’t go to work.

- Don’t listen to other people’s advice and critiques. Do your own thing.

* You act like people have never parented before and don’t have any experiences worth sharing. You’re not the first person to ever have a child.

- Have you tried X? Why don’t you do Y? When my children were young I always did Z even though I was a super busy working [and uber, super] mom.

* You’re a good mum. Keep up the good work!

If you’re struggling with these issues and wonder where the right path lies, here’s author Alyson Schafer’s take on the 8 myths she discovered about motherhood.

Myth: My Children are a Reflection of Me
Myth: Self-Care is Selfish
Myth: My Marriage Can Wait
Myth: Good Mother’s Are All-Caring and All -Protecting
Myth: Good Mother’s are in Control
Myth: Good Mother’s Manage Sibling Conflict
Myth: Only the Best Education for My Child
Myth: Good Mothers Make Life Fun and Entertaining

What would you add to this list of critiques about approaches to motherhood?

We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.

Get [even more] gorgeous, mum!

Motherhood No Responses »

Apr 152011

There she is in all her loveliness stepping out here and dashing off there. The news is all aflutter about the engagement and upcoming marriage of Kate Middleton to Prince William. If pashminas, pearls, tailored tweed jackets and Tiffany jewellery are your passion, Catherine (as she is now known) is your fashion muse. As more stories come out about her fashion style, we are also learning that she has a personal shopper/stylist, gets regular hair blowouts and has seemingly endless funds to support regular shopping trips and beauty/spa treatments.

If you’re well past Middleton’s age of 28, have a few children in your household and have long past the days when you slavishly pampered yourself with the latest fashion and treatments, you might be feeling a bit long in the tooth compared to a media darling such as Kate Middleton or Demi Moore for that matter. Recent reports suggest that Demi spends as much as $140,000 a year on her appearance. In a roundabout way, considering the attention given to these women in the media, it begs the question – how can the rest of us go from frump (if we’ve gone down that road) back to fabulous? Here are some thoughts about how you can rev up your own personal look.

* Ditch the maternity clothes

Oh good heavens. Has it been months or longer since you gave birth and you’re still wearing those roomy tops? Even if you’re just wearing them around the house, they’ve got to go into the Salvation Army bin. Give some other expectant mother the opportunity to have a maternity wardrobe and move on. Whatever your body shape is, post pregnancy embrace your shape and buy some fitted clothes. Fitted clothes are always more flattering. If you are buying pieces that don’t quite hug your curves, bring your pieces to a tailor.

* So your clothes don’t fit anymore

Your body changed post pregnancy and there are a number of clothes in your closet that simply do not fit. You swear it’s because the dryer shrunk them. Whatever the reason, they’ve got to go into the aforementioned bin as well. Forget about fitting into them later. If it’s been over a years since you gave birth, let them go. Should you eventually return to that pre-pregnancy weight, or take up fitness boot camp, you could probably use some fresh pieces in your wardrobe.

* Do you still dress like you’re 25?

It’s time to spend some time watching What Not to Wear. Truly. Mini skirts are best left to the under 35. A length just above or resting on the knees can be just as flattering and sexy. Ditto for those teeny, stretchy tops and any clothing that screams “trend of the season”. This seems counter intuitive, since the fashion industry wants you to wear the latest trends. The problem here is that many clothing styles are designed for the under 30 set, are simply not flattering or sophisticated and will be out of fashion next year. On your family budget, can you really afford to be buying clothes one season and ditching them the next?

* Do your clothes make you look fabulous?

Whether you’re wearing your clothes around the house with your children or out on the street, do your pieces make you look fabulous from head to toe? If not, part ways. It’s that simple. Wait until you’re in a bad mood, get out the garbage bag (for your trip to the Salvation Army bin) and start tossing. Keep your best jeans, pants, t-shirts and sweaters. Even your gym clothes should make you look fabulous.

* Do you know what style fits your body type?

Harem pants may be making a comeback, but they’re certainly not for every body type. Don’t believe all the hype about jeggings either. They simple aren’t suitable for everyone. Love your body and celebrate it by wearing cuts that flatter your shape, create flattering silhouettes, celebrate your strong points and create a balanced look .

* Do you have a second pair of eyes?

They might belong to your husband. They might belong to your ten year old daughter. Who is the person in your life who really knows what makes you look fabulous? Listen to their opinions as well.

* Do you buy clothes full price?

If you’re looking to freshen up your wardrobe you will want to watch your pennies. Your money won’t stretch far if you rush out and buy a good amount of clothes at full price. On the other hand you want to be wary of buying the reject pieces stores are trying to dump just because they are on sale. If you choose classic (but not necessarily conservative) and well made pieces (as in construction and fabric), you can watch out for that moment when stores start to reduce their items. Don’t wait for the end of the season sales, though. The best pieces in your size may be long gone. It might take you a year to build up your wardrobe, but eventually you’ll have a good

* Go designer

Did you know that Joe Fresh clothes are premiered on the Toronto Fashion Week runway? Yes. You too can afford designer clothes. You can’t go wrong with Joe Fresh cotton pants and shorts. You can also find attractive, on-trend tops at reasonable prices. Keep in mind that their clothes fit small and can shrink after a wash. If you normally fit a medium, consider buying a large.

* Get Creative

Have you noticed how expensive it is now to sew? Fabric is expensive. So are patterns. However you can buy patterns (including those from designers) that have a good amount of various pieces that form a cohesive ensemble. Some of the major fabric stores have loyalty programmes and hold regular sales. You can also find patterns and nice quality fabric at church sales or in the closets of retired sewers. If you prefer to support local craftswomen, you can search out clothing on Etsy.com that is created in your province or state.

* Swap with others

As you are shopping your closet looking for pieces that make you look fabulous, you will find many pieces that you can give away. Before you head to the thrift shop, you could consider having a clothing swap with your friends. Very often the pieces you are giving away aren’t worn out or out -of-date. You’re just bored with them, they don’t fit or they simply don’t suit you. You can also find clothing swaps advertised in local papers and in the general section on Craigslist.ca. (Search for “clothing swap”)

* A few good pieces does the trick

Coco Chanel famously believed that if you had a few well made suits in your wardrobe, you wouldn’t need to own a lot of clothes. Somehow we can’t imagine that people like Audrey Hepburn had huge wardrobes. You can build up a strong core to your closet by keeping your colour choices to consistent groupings, make sure you buy fabrics that are as natural as possible, watch for solid clothing construction and avoid trends. Coco also believed that a woman needs to be two things – classy and fabulous!

* Don’t forget your accessories

Scarves, purses and bags, and jewellery can really transform a wardrobe. You can find these pieces at good prices in stores and online (for example at Stella and Dot*). You can also find them in consignment stores and at school fair fashion sales. You just never know when you will encounter a good quality piece at an affordable price. The latest jewellery can transform the plainest of dresses from a few seasons back.

* Quality Counts

Whenever you are looking at a piece (whether it is used or new), dive in and find the label. Pieces that are made of mostly natural fabrics will not disappoint over the long run. They feel better, breathe in warmer weather and wear well over time.

* Get inspired

Check out recent fashion magazines from the library and check websites and blogs online. Get up to date on what looks are flattering for women of your age group, life style and body shape. If you are approaching 40, check out the Canadian and American editions of More magazine. This magazine is catering to the women above age 35 who want to look fabulous. Every office or social group has at least a few women in their second adulthood (late 30s and beyond) who really know how to dress in fresh and inspiring ways. Take notes whenever you see them. You may learn more from this type of woman than from watching Fashion TV.

* Be an individual

Be inspired by others, but don’t feel compelled to copy the looks of other people. Be daring. Set your own trends.

* Keep your ear to the wind

Try to source out the best places, locally, where you can find good fashion deals. Of course Winners is always a good option, but which Winners has the best selection? Some Winners have a dreary selection of picked over clothing. Your friends and colleagues will let you know which outlets are best. Try the Winners at Cambie and 7th Avenue in Vancouver. Joe Fresh is available at Superstore outlets. (Some outlets have more selection than others.) Or you can head down to the new Joe Fresh store at 540 Granville street. There are a number of good consignment stores in the Lower Mainland. For local designers who sell at relatively affordable prices check out the selection on Main Street and in Gastown. Another great opportunity to find consignment items is at hospital thrift stores and in the fashion booths at private school fairs. (The designer clothing corner at the yearly York House fair is a great example of a fashion opportunity!)

* Have your colours done

Who has their colours done anymore? That’s so 1980s right? Well, actually no. Your skin tone really does have an impact on choices you should be making for colours to wear. If you don’t know what colours look best on you, you really need to investigate this topic further. Don’t believe any saleswoman who tries to convince you otherwise.

* Know your stores

Stores such as Zara on Robson are more pricey, but are favoured for their European designed, fashion forward looks. Spend time digging through The Bay on Granville Street and you never know what you will find on sale. HP3/Cora Fashions (3825 Main St, Vancouver / 5515 W.Boulevard, Vancouver) carry statement and designer pieces at affordable prices.

* Here are some great items that can make you go from looking dated to wow!

- A great pair of jeans. Avoid the distressed look, make sure the cut flatters your booty and make sure they are long enough (without dragging all tattered on the streets). Don’t get caught up in the designer jeans option. If you know your body type you can find affordable jeans anywhere. Costco often offers jeans by companies such as Calvin Klein

- When you are heading down to the States to visit designer outlets, check out Banana Republic for their affordable line of fitted suit jackets and pants. Their pieces are perfect for the office or off-duty play. If you go down at Christmas time the discounts are deep.

- A great pair of boots. During the colder season you might find you are wearing boots every day. This is an investment that pays off. Boots with spiky heels are the rage right now. If you are competent walking in them, go for it. Or you can favour the riding boot (long and flatter) look that has been popular for a few seasons. If possible find a boot that goes well either with a skirt/dress or with pants. If you need to wear rainboots, choose boots with attitude. This is the perfect time to take a daring approach to style. Vancouverites embrace the notion of highly patterned or classic and boring (yet hot) boots (think Hunter wellies). We found affordable boots with a Royal Copenhagen porcelain inspired pattern at Walmart!

- A great purse. Scour the images of high end purses that you like and then find a cheaper option. Ebay is a great place to find purses. Private school fairs are also repositories for designer pieces that are still classic looking. Ditto for consignment stores on the west side of Vancouver. It can be hard to find hot accessories in Vancouver so you will need to dig about. If you or a friend plan to visit Japan, this is a country where you can find high end style purses at very affordable prices.

- Jewellery can turn your outfit from pretty to pretty fabulous. Stella and Dot jewellery is an affordable option that will help you to inject a fresh and fashion forward look into your wardrobe every season. Their new Spring/Summer line will be unveiled in January.

- Other accessories such as socks, nylons, tights, gloves, scarves (warm and silky) and hats can completely transform multiple outfits. Spend time scouring Winners, large department store sales, school fair sales and high end consignment shops for fun and unexpected finds.

- Makeup and skincare is a whole different topic. Choosing a number of items from a specific company can go a long way to creating a unified look. For high end companies try Darphin, Chanel, Benefit and Nars. For drugstore lines try L’Oreal (which is the cheaper version of the sister company Lancome), Vichy and Joe Fresh makeup. Waleda is an all natural and affordable alternative available in health food stores.

Are you ready to embrace your outer fabulous this spring/summer? Once you’ve got your wardrobe and look in place, here’s a tip from the world of modeling to help you strut your stuff. Take a regular sized step. Bring your foot back and now take a large step. Find the spot just in between these two strides and you’ve found the walk that will complete your outfit perfectly.

Related

Colour me Beautiful

Joe Fresh

List of local fashion outlets

Hp3 on Facebook

Seattle Premium Outlet Sales

Winners Store Locator

Local designer stores

Dream

Narcissist (on Main)

Videos

Best clips from frump to feminine on What Not to Wear

Books

Dress Your Best: The Complete Guide to Finding the Style That’s Right for Your Body

Articles

How Kate Middleton went from frump to fabulous

Demi Moore spends $140,000 per year on her looks

More.ca

*Stellaanddot.com/chan is part of the BC Family Merchandise programme

Pushing back

Family, Motherhood, Parenting No Responses »

Nov 082010

Ask any woman in her sixties or seventies and they will tell you that they used cloth diapers on their children. They also made their own baby food. A woman in her seventies or older will probably also tell you that she nursed her child and did not use formula. Ask a parent living in a remote area of the developing world and she will tell you that her child goes diaper free. You also won’t have to look too far in the developing world to find children who are strapped to their mother’s bodies using various cloth contraptions. There is nary a stroller in sight. In many households in the world mothers are not using baby food, copious amounts of diapers and harsh chemical-based cleaning products.

Why is it, then, that some older mothers feel the need to write about the so-called green parenting/attachment/Stay at Home Mom parenting interests of their younger female contemporaries? Why do we find articles online and in newspapers and magazines that poke fun at, and criticize, new mothers? Why do women who are ten, twenty or more years out of “young motherhood” feel the need to defend their own choices by painting the current interests and trends as unnecessary, trendy and over-the-top?

If a mother wants to cook a carrot on the stove and mash it rather than buy a jar of baby food for a dollar, why should other people care? If she wants to use a cloth diaper, rinse it and wash it, just as women in the 1960s and earlier did before Pampers were the norm, why should others wag their fingers and mock her household water consumption? If a mother wants to carry her child rather than push him around in a stroller for hours on end, is this so terrible? If she wants to nurse her child beyond six months, is this an unreasonable choice? If she wants to buy locally made clothes made out of natural fabrics, is she obsessed? If a mother wants to have her child sleep nearby just as babies have done in her ancestors’ families for generations, such we criticize her? If she decides to not work out of the home and be with her child/children is she wanting to be “ever present” for, and spending every moment with, her child? If a mother’s home has hardwood floors or tiles and she wants to make the effort to try the “diaper less during the day” trend, is this an unreasonable endeavour? Should we conclude that mothers making these decisions are victims who feel a loss of control in the face of challenges such as pollution in the environment?

Are parents today more “ insufferably obsessed then they’ve ever been“? Popular Vancouver Sun columnist Shelley Fralic thinks they are. She also thinks that back in the day – when her age group were raising young children – motherhood was a lot simpler. This is a generation of mothers who embraced breast feeding, unlike mothers in the 1960s who believed their doctors’ claims about the science behind formula. The La Leche movement and home birthing pools are not inventions of the 2000s. The children of Fralic’s generation were raised in an era when DINKs (double income with kids) were sending their little Johnny and Susies to every camp and class going. Baby boomer parents lavished all manner of praise and money on their children. Their children could do no wrong, and many were considered by their parents to be naturally gifted. Not surprisingly there was an increased interest in “programmes for gifted children” in schools. Many Canadians younger and older than the baby boomers will recall how parenting played out in the so-called “simpler” days of twenty odd years ago. Some of the offspring of the older Baby Boomers are now attending group counseling in college, sharing stories about how they were over-catered to and micro-managed by their parents. Meanwhile come colleges are holding workshops to help parents “let go” of their children. The results of the parenting styles of the Shelley Fralics of this world suggest that the criticisms older women levy on their younger counterparts are not based on rock solid parenting approaches.

A recent article by feminist and author Erica Jong suggests that mothers today are jumping on the green/attachment parenting band wagon due to a feeling of loss of control. If we are going to start attaching deeper, psychological meaning to simple actions such as making a pasta meal for a baby from scratch, perhaps we should investigate why the Erica Jongs of this world feel the need to analyze motherhood trends today. Perhaps they feel the need to defend their own decisions thirty years ago. They want to believe, and want the world to believe, that the work/life balance that they chose was the best possible choice for children then and now. Unfortunately they do so at the expense of other women.

You know a subset of mothers feel particularly entitled and overly self-assured when they feel the need to write about “scaring [a younger mother] one horror story at a time”, telling her that her viewpoint is “bullshit”. “I felt a sadistic rush of pleasure, the kind I imagine college seniors get when they’re bullying pledges during frosh week”, one such 40 something mother of teens wrote in a More Magazine (Canadian edition) opinion piece. “[The young mother to be] fled, I mean left, soon after, her face turned pale. Too bad — the rest of us were just starting to have a good time.”

Maybe if women of all generations were more consistent about banding together and supporting each other we would have the type of early childhood education and [day]care that women in countries such as Sweden enjoy. Maybe maternity and paternity leave provisions in the United States of America wouldn’t be so pitiful. The next time a new mother reads a critique of parenthood today – read motherhood – she should dare to push back. After all, if we are going to start labeling ideas as “bullshit”, let’s make sure we identify the right ones.

What do you think about this topic? Please leave a comment using the comment function below or by visiting our Facebook page. We would love to hear from you!

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Babies - The Documentary

Family, Motherhood, Parenting 2 Responses »

Apr 272010

We all started out as babies. Maybe this is why most of us have some level of interest in the lives of babies. Perhaps we also had younger siblings, cousins and friends. We may have our own children or we are an aunt or uncle to other babies. What’s not to love about babies? It is fascinating to observe them as they grow and learn, and it is interesting to know that in different cultures babies are raised and cared for in different ways.

Enter the Babies documentary. The creators of this documentary followed the lives of four babies from birth to age one who live in the United States, Namibia, Japan and Mongolia. There is no dialogue accompanying the film, but the sneak peak we have of the documentary so far indicates that the film speaks volumes. Are babies’ lives in industrialized countries over programmned? In Vancouver, as we struggle to find a balance between the desire or need to work, and the desire to look after our babies, how will this documentary shed light on the choices we make? As new trends appear that meet our need to create a less artificial lifestyle for babies, we borrow concepts from other cultures. Does baby wearing, for example, correctly mimic the care giving patterns in regions such as Africa? To find out, watch for Babies in a cinema near you – if you’d like to see it on the large screen – or wait for the DVD to reach or local “video store”.

Official website

Planet Babies: What can a new documentary teach us about babies?

Babies documentary page on Facebook