Family | BC Family

Comparisons and the Child

Aug 112011

Is he toilet trained yet? How is his speech coming along? How many words does he say? Does he know the colours yet? Can he count?

Casual conversation. General enquiries. Questions about a child’s development can be part of conversation starters or a not so subtle expression of an underlying and grave concern. When this type of conversation starts, the parents are happy to talk about theit child. A Stay-at-Home Mum, for example, spends a good part of her week with her child and knows how he or she has reached developmental milestones. Where these conversations can take a turn is when the friend, colleague, family member or stranger-at-large starts to make comparisons between the child in question and a child he or she knows. “My friend’s son is the same age and can already say three word sentences.” “I remember when my daughter’s girl was this age. She could say all of the colour names and could count to ten. How many words did you say your child knows?”

It is hard to understand the motivation behind these statements and questions. Is it concern? Is it concern pressed forward to elicit action? Does the concerned conversation partner really want to say “In other words, I’m asking you about your child and making comparisons so that you can see that there is something wrong with your child and seek medical attention”.

For the sake of simplicity, let’s call these conversation partners 19th century Armchair Critics. NACs for short. After all, the standards for child development that they quote do not appear to match the advise of any child development expert writing in modern times. NACs believe that there is a very tight window within which young children develop a skill. They also believe that if a child develops a skill before that time period, he is intellectually gifted. Similarly if his skill development is delayed there is a problem. Indeed there is the potential that this child might grow up to be intellectually inferior to the aforementioned gifted child.

The fun doesn’t stop there.

The NAC also believes that someone could be at fault. Enter the mother or primary care giver. “Little 2-year old Ethan’s nanny has taught him how to count to 20 in Spanish and read flashcards.” Pregnant pause. “So what have you been doing with YOUR child, Mum?” is the next logical question, but it isn’t vocalized.

Oh for the love of education. When will it stop? This obsession with comparing children and how they are reaching their developmental milestones has to end. It has been allowed to fester for the last few decades and, quite frankly, parents of young children everywhere are finding the tune to be beyond boring.

There are children in our midst who are struggling to learn how to speak, for example. In fact they may be experiencing a significant delay. They may be seeing a speech therapist. They might have been flagged to be at risk of having an autism spectrum disorder. They may already have a confirmed condition which affects their ability to form sounds using the muscles in their mouth, for example. They may never be able to speak as eloquently as the NAC who is currently drilling the child’s parents about this three year old’s speech development.

While most children with delayed speech and language development, for example, do not fall into this category, some may. Suggesting that a child who is not likely to experience long term delays is “at risk” shows a lack of sensitivity to the needs of children and their families who truly are coping with the likelihood of long term challenges. NACs everywhere need to leave it to medical practitioners in British Columbia, working with primary caregivers, to determine how progress is being made and whether or not there is a problem. Moreover, if a child does show challenges reaching a developmental milestone, she is not deficient compared to the children held up as examples for comparison. We all have our challenges and issues with which we struggle. Although admittedly some are more challenging than others. Yes we can compare one child’s textbook perfect development to the rate of progress of a child who seems to have less developed skills. This assessment is not based on medical fact, but rather is grounded more in our own understanding of what should be happening. Or we can allow the children in our lives the space to develop at their own pace, in their own way, to the best of their abilities. We can provide these children with as much support as we can possibly give them. Support that is grounded in a positive attitude and outlook, and a lack of judgment.

Daily Dish: And Then There Were Three

Daily Dish, Family, Motherhood, Parenting No Responses »

Aug 082011

For some time now I have had a feeling of amazement every time I encounter a woman who has had two or more children within the span of a few years. What an accomplishment! What an effort! What an undertaking! What a blessing!

I first had this feeling when I was still a barely out of my teenage years and quite unaware of what pregnancy entailed. When I was 15, I babysat a newborn baby while I lived in Tokyo as an international student. For two years I looked after her while her parents attended diplomatic events or her mum went off to various functions. The family moved away and I never met up with them again. By the time the girl was six years old, she had two younger sisters. I was amazed.

Of course I still come across these types of stories. You know the ones. “…and then there were three!” Two years ago I became a mother to twins and had my own opportunity to make big changes on the home front. As one can imagine, that was quite an undertaking too. I would like to say that I loved being pregnant and that it was a blissful experience. Of course I was very pleased and felt blessed and there were special moments, such as the times when the babies would move. When I look back on that time period, however, I recall a nine month period of holding my breath, hoping and praying for the best, trying not to get too stressed and generally taking things one day at a time. Every month that we moved closer to the 30 week mark, the easier my breathing became. For the last six months I was concerned about tightening sensations and for the last four months I was on bed rest. Every two days a nurse would come by to check on the babies’ progress. I should not forget to mention that we were in the middle of a heat wave that summer and I lived in front of the water cooler. I also recall that I wasn’t able to go on a Mexican holiday at five months or walk around in high heels at eight months. I wasn’t working until two weeks before the delivery. Indeed I wasn’t really walking that much. To this day when I see very pregnant women bounding about like Ivanka Trump, playing golf while pregnant and working on the baby’s due date, I can’t help but make comparisons to my own experience.

Thanks to the care of my husband, family members and numerous medical practitioners, my husband, children and I came through the experience. I am also thankful to the director in my division at work who sent me home on sick leave four months before the children were born. If he hadn’t taken this step I fear what would have happened.

As your children get older and become toddlers, it is easy to look at other babies and pregnant women and feel nostalgic about pregnancy. It seems that many a mother has become wistful about the baby stage when her first born leaves the baby years behind. You sometimes hear stories about parents feeling like “they are not done yet”, or they want to have one more child before the wife turns 40. There must be something deeply anthropological about these emotions and thought processes. Clearly this type of yearning helps to ensure the continuation of the human population.

In our home the joy of the twins’ birth was followed by surgery for pyloric stenosis for one twin and other concerns for a possible health condition for the second twin that doesn’t appear to have come about after all. During the first few months we were in out out of doctors’ appointments regularly. We visited most of the major divisions at the BC Children’s Hospital and had Infant Development Programme professionals visiting us at home. During that time I also had the opportunity to see babies in the hospital who had concerns even more serious than those of my children.

The birth of twins is a remarkable process. I still recall the happy exclamations in the surgery room when the medical staff on hand (about a dozen of them) were told that twins were waiting to be born. I still enjoy looking at photos of the OB, GP and pediatrician who were all in the room overseeing the birth. (The Gold Star team, as I call them.) Here at BC Family we have been so blessed to have the support of doctors and special service providers for our children. The progression of our story has been quite different from those of most people I see and we have, indeed, been very busy. Yet when I see women having a baby not long after her first baby (or second) has left the baby months behind, I am even more amazed because I now understand what pregnancy and raising more than one young child entails. I also know that some women have difficulty getting pregnant for the first time or after their first child was born. Multiple pregnancies in a short period of time are nothing short of a blessing AND a miracle. Most people might think this is a normal state of affairs that has been happening for centuries. I say “congratulations and what an accomplishmnent!”

Related

I Wear the Maternity Pants in This Family (By Susan Konig)*

*BCFamily.ca is a member of the Amazon Associates programme

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Daily Dish Archives Pamela Chan/Publisher, BCfamily.ca

Let's Talk: Are You a Part-time Mum?

Family, Let's Talk, Motherhood No Responses »

Jul 202011

Do you ever wonder what people mean when they ask “So you’re a full-time mom?” Are they thinking how nice that is for you and your children? Are they wondering about the career you left behind – at least temporarily? Are they wondering why you aren’t working part or full time? Are they wondering why you went to graduate school and worked hard at a career, only to leave it and stay at home with your children after maternity leave ended? Are they wondering what it is like to be at home full time with your children? Are they wondering how your family can afford to not have both parents working in the hyper-expensive Lower Mainland? (Think living/real estate costs) Are they thinking that you’ve returned to the 1950s and have turned your back on feminism? Or are they simply making conversation?

Have you noticed that this type of conversation doesn’t last very long? Perhaps three sentences are exchanged, at most. Why is that? Is it because most people have had some type of experience with their own children and think they know what your life is like? Does the unpaid work of a parent seem out of place in a “what do you do” conversation?

“So you are a full-time mom?” is a typical response when a woman answers a social enquiry about her employment status. “No I’m not working right now”, she replied.

So you’re not working? What exactly are you doing with your days, mum? Are you watching The Talk until noon? Are you having lunch with your girlfriends every day while your children out with the nanny? Are you shopping in Yaletown and South Granville Rise most afternoons? Like any woman who is at home full time or works outside of the home, you have your social time and your down time; however, most of the time you are busy. If you are at home with your children full-time, you could be doing just about anything. Your schedule is probably different every day. You might have a newborn. You might have twins or a toddler and baby. Your children might be in pre-school or older. Anything is possible, but two things are certain.

Firstly, you are working. You are working full time in the home. You might refer to yourself as a Stay-at-Home-Mum (SAHM). In fact, if your children are quite young it is entirely possible that you were up at 6 AM and went to bed close to midnight. You might even be getting up multiple times during the night. Technically a mum who works in an office is working outside of the home. (This is in addition to the work that she does at home. ) Recent OECD research (see Related below) has shown that Canadian mothers work 100 more minutes a day than their partners completing unpaid work in the home, even if they are working full or part-time.

Secondly, you are not a “full-time” mum. You are a mum who cares for her children full-time, rather than employing other people to care for your children for a portion of the day. You do not share child care responsibilities with someone else. It is important to make this distinction because if you are a full-time mum, what does this make a mum who works outside of the home on a part-time or full-time basis? Does this make her a part-time mum? Of course it doesn’t. She is a mum for every waking hour of the day.

If you are not working outside of the home, does this make you a housewife? It does if you are married/living common law, of course, and if that’s how you want to define yourself. You are a wife, who is at home. You can be a housewife if you want. Or not. You can define yourself as a homemaker, if you are keen to focus on that aspect of your contributions to the home and family. There is nothing wrong with these terms. You are free to use them, or not. Or you can describe yourself as being a wife and mother, with no reference made to house and home. Or you can focus on your home business first. That can be part of your personal profile. Or not. It’s your choice how you wish to define yourself.

Children are young for a few years, and then they move on to school and away from home. Perhaps you are working outside of the home or have a home-based business while they are very young. Or you don’t work part-time or from home because of child care considerations, for example. You might decide to take on a part time or full time job when the children start school, and enlist the help of before and after school care or a nanny. Or you might not. Anything is possible. Your personal and professional profile will change over the years. You don’t have to feel defined by artificial labels.

Helicopter mothers. Tiger Moms. Perfectionist parents. There are so many fake trends being discussed in the online, television and print media. If you express a concern for your child, nowadays, you’re told that you are hovering over your child. We are meant to believe that the Baby Boomers, many of whom like to throw around fake trend terms, never worried about their own children. Mums / moms/ mothers everywhere need to get the word out about what they are doing on a daily basis to support their children as a counteractive measure against the exagerated stories in the media. The unpaid work of a parent matters in our society. In fact in Canada it matters a lot and accounts for 40% of the economy. The more women talk about their personal experiences, the more Canadians will understand what our society needs to do to support the personal and professional needs of women and children in Canada. For an example of how women achieve this level of conversation, check out the social policies in European countries.

Forget about trending catch phrases such as Ms. Big. The next time someone asks you what you do, why not reply I’m a “Domestic Goddess“*, if you like a touch of flair in your conversations, or “I’m a Chief Operating Officer (COO) at a family-run business”? Just to stir things up. One mother got tired of seeing how people shut down mentally when she explained that she was at home full time with her family. At one cocktail party she decided to give a detailed description of her work load, leaving out the part about not working for a corporation. When she described her work load her fellow event goers paid close attention. Eventually she revealed that she was a COO at her own household resident.

Oh and don’t forget to mention that you’re a feminist too! You may be at home full-time, but this does not mean that you have turned your back on feminism.

Related

Superwoman to Domestic Goddess*

Cooking, Caring and Volunteering: UnPaid Work Around the World

*BCFamily.ca is an Associate of Amazon.com

Let’s talk about the issues and news that is having an impact on children and families in our community. We’d love to hear from you. Please feel free to use our comment function below, or leave a comment on our Facebook page

Being the Good Mum: Everyone's Got an Opinion

Motherhood No Responses »

May 212011

“After the break, you won’t want to miss this story.” Here we go again. Peter Mansbridge and his crew serving up another story that’s trending about the modern mom.

* Mums avoiding minute amounts of radiation in their child’s milk (See interview with parents walking out of upscale Urban Fare. Is this a typical Vancouver parent?)

* Mums using harnesses for their toddlers (Cut to video of mum “walking” child in a harness on the grass. Is this where she usually uses it?)

* Mums enrolling their children in expensive preschool programmes

* Mums and potential mums using fertility treatments (Did the parents really say that their child’s completion of this programme is a culmination of their dreams?)

* Mums react to the election banter about families. (The topics they roll out for every election and then promptly forget.)

The story rolls and somewhat worn-out generalizations are served up, packaged within a glossy presentation put together by an experienced journalist. Canadians everywhere roll their eyes collectively.

These days it seems everyone’s got an opinion about mothers and what they should and shouldn’t be doing. It’s a longstanding tradition, you might say. Except that now in this era of social media and Reality TV, “news light” stories can be found when you turn on your TV, a talk show, or crank up the computer. Even if you avoid the journalist looking for a story, if you’re a mum of young children you’ve probably been given some of the following bits of advice by people you know and random strangers passing by. The advice covers all manner of topics and aren’t necessarily the sexy topics featured on the evening news. For every opinion, there’s an opposite point of view. The push and pull continues, as it has done for generations.

So buckle up. When it comes to advice, no stone is left unturned.

- She isn’t dressed warm enough. She needs another sweater. She needs a jacket. Her jacket isn’t buttoned up enough. She needs a warmer jacket. She needs shoes and socks.

* She is over dressed. It’s spring. She’ll be too warm. She doesn’t need another layer. That jacket is for winter.

- She needs organically correct clothes that don’t have chemicals and dyes in them.

* Organic clothes? That’s ridiculous. Regular clothes are fine.

- Here are the latest fashions on your favourite mom website for you to buy for your child.

* Who spends that much on clothes?

- Here are the latest green products for you to buy for your child.

* You did hear what I said about spending too much, didn’t you?

- She has a fever. She needs Tylenol. You can get other drugs from the doctor as well.

* Don’t use Tylenol. They advise against it these days. Here’s a link to the latest news story.

- Don’t use children’s products that have been recalled.

* Are you serious? Put the protective clip on your drop-side crib and get over the fact that children have died using them.

- You should be feeding your baby solids.

* Don’t feed your baby solids so early. They’ve changed the standards now. Ask your doctor.

- You should give your toddler soft cooked peanuts to introduce nuts. It’s now thought that delaying nuts can make the problem worse.

* Don’t give nuts too early. It could cause an allergic reaction.

- Your baby will get cold. Put a blanket on him.

* Babies shouldn’t sleep with blankets. It can cause SIDS.

- Babies should sleep in sleeveless blankets sewn at the bottom instead of blankets.

- Don’t keep your baby in this blanket sleeper when they can start to crawl.

- Let your child dig in the dirt and be a child. It helps to ward off asthma.

* You don’t know what kind of chemicals are in the dirt these days. Don’t let your child put anything in her mouth.

- She’s not feeling well. She needs homemade comfort food.

* You can’t be making homemade food for them all the time. You don’t have the time. Serve her store bought soup.

- Store bought soup isn’t healthy.

- Serve your children organic food.

* Organic food is too expensive and how do we know it’s organic?

- If your child isn’t feeling well get her in to see a doctor.

* Don’t waste the doctor’s time with small concerns. The health care system is overburdened as it is.

- Get some extra cleaning help. You have enough to do. You don’t have the time to be cleaning bathtubs and floors.

* You’re not working during the week. Surely you can find time to clean your house.

- Take a break during the day and do something for yourself.

* There she was, in the middle of the day, sitting on the couch watching Oprah.

- How old is your child? (She’s 2) Oh she’s not much older than my two. Does she come here often? (Her grandma usually brings her. I work.) Oh. I see. (Do you work?) I don’t work right now.

Conversation ends abruptly.

- She cries too much. She cries all the time.

* She cries because she isn’t speaking yet. It’s where she is at developmentally.

- To help her speak sooner, keep your statements short using single words or two word phrases.

* Children need to be exposed to natural language patterns. These new suggestions are ridiculous.

- You pick her up too much. She is clinging to you.

* Children need to feel the close bond of their parent in the early years.

- Co-sleep with you baby.

* You can roll over on your baby and smother her if you co-sleep.

- Breast feeding is better than formula.

* I couldn’t breast feed. It wasn’t working.

- Don’t give up. Seek help. (You gave up too soon.)

* I did seek help.

- I know where my baby is. I won’t smother her. Your baby – sleeping in her own room – doesn’t know where you are.

- Children are developing their emotional foundations at this age. Don’t yell at them.

* You are too soft with her. There is no discipline. You need to be firmer.

- She needs to eat a variety of food – preferably homemade.

* Just serve her baby food. It’s not realistic to make food from scatch.

- The pioneers made food from scratch.

* That’s because they had to.

- She’s throwing her bowl/not eating. Children her age don’t do that.

* She’s a toddler. This is what she does.

- Listen to Super Nanny. Put her on the naughty cushion.

* Don’t follow Super Nanny. Children shouldn’t be put on time outs – especially at this age.

- She needs to be socialized better and meet more children. This is why she isn’t talking very much.

* You can’t be running around all the time. You don’t have the time and they need to have a simple schedule.

- She should be enrolled in classes for children where she can meet children and prepare for school.

* These classes are too expensive and are unnecessary. She can learn things at home.

- She should be bathed every day.

* Toddlers don’t need to be bathed every day. It’s not good for their skin.

- She should be using cloth diapers. It’s better for the environment.

* Washing cloth diapers uses up more resources of energy and water, and creates more pollutants than disposable diapers.

- Don’t let her cry. She’ll get hysterical. Can’t you see she needs comforting.

* Let her cry. She’s become too much of a crier and needs to learn she can’t have her way all the time. She’s learn to stop.

- She’s not a child in a Romanian orphanage sitting in a crib all day learning not to cry because no one will come.

- Make sure your home is safe for your child. Do you have enough of devices x, y & z?

* Why do you need these things.? You’re being over protective. Let her be.

- Make sure you keep her car seat back facing as long as possible – like they do in Europe.

* What? You haven’t turned her car seat around yet?

- Children shouldn’t watch TV at a young age.

* That’s ridiculous. There’s no harm in letting children watching cartoons.

- Don’t make the mistakes of previous generations of parents. You don’t want to be a helicopter parent do you?

* Just ignore these debates. They’re rubbish. Nobody admits to being a helicopter parent. Can you find a parent of a Generation Y or Gen Next who will admit to such a transgression?

- You need to sign your child up early for a good pre-school.

* Why rush? That’s silly. There are lots of good pre-schools.

- Choose a pre-school that prepares the child for Kindergarten.

* At a young age children should not be pressed into academics. They need time to play and be children.

- Make sure you pick a school with a high quality programme – preferably Montessori.

* All pre-schools are the same and these Montessori programmes are too expensive.

- Take care to offer your child the right balance of care and opportunities.

* You spend all of your waking time on your child/children. You don’t spend enough time on yourself/your spouse.

- Cook healthy food for your family

* Buy premade food. Make it easier on yourself. You don’t have time and it’s just as healthy.

- Offer your child the same food 12 times if necessary, until she likes it. You don’t want her to develop food issues.

* Insist that she try just a little. Otherwise she’ll never want to try it and you can’t be making food and wasting it.

- Your child picks at her food and doesn’t eat enough. She’s too thin.

* She eats well during the course of the whole week. Her weight is fine.

- Your child isn’t speaking enough for her age. She needs medical intervention.

* Some children speak quite late. There isn’t an issue.

- Take advantage of the medical support/services provided by the healthcare system.

* Doctors will have you running around stressing out way too much. Avoid all of this nonsense. Your child will be fine.

- Your child isn’t well? It’s nothing. Mum’s worry too much.

* It’s good that you brought your child in. This is a serious situation – potentially life threatening.

- The modern mum should take care of herself. She should get some childcare help and go to the gym regularly for yoga classes

* Childcare? What childcare? I don’t have relatives nearby and offers to help from friends are to be used for special occassions. Not multiple times a week.

- Get your husband to help.

* My husband? He’s been up since 6 and traveled three hours on transit. He needs a rest.

* Husband? What husband?

- The modern mum needs to take care of her appearance for herself, never mind anyone else. The modern mum can be sexy. Heck – it’s a crude saying from younger men - but some are even referred to as MILF.

* Are you serious? It’s hard enough to get my children dressed and get the morning routine going, then get into clothes and showered myself. Did I mention I was up late cleaning and I’m tired? Now you want me to go for regular hair cuts, tart up with makeup and shop for the latest clothes? Did I mention we have one household car, limited funds and other priorities for our shopping time?

- You don’t have time to work part-time or full-time. You have young children who need high quality care. Your children are only young once.

* Did you hear about Susie? She has three children and is a Director at her firm. She uses daycare/has a nanny. They’re financially secure and her career is going gang busters. Have you seen the fabulous house they just bought on the west-side?

- Mums need to let other people know what about the contributions that they make to their family and the community. When friends/family get together a mum should clearly state information about her challenges/achievements as a mum.

* Why does she keep overstating her contributions? Is she the only woman who’s a mum/busy/working hard? I’m a hard working single woman. Who cares about my story?

- A mother and wife should not neglect her husband. This can lead to problems. You know what I’m talking about here.

* Every couple has these challenges of finding the time and energy to fit it all in. I’m doing my best. I was up at 6. It’s 11 and I’m still cleaning.

- Just let things slide with the housework. It’s all about priorities.

* Have you seen how messy their house is. What is she doing all day? She doesn’t go to work.

- Don’t listen to other people’s advice and critiques. Do your own thing.

* You act like people have never parented before and don’t have any experiences worth sharing. You’re not the first person to ever have a child.

- Have you tried X? Why don’t you do Y? When my children were young I always did Z even though I was a super busy working [and uber, super] mom.

* You’re a good mum. Keep up the good work!

If you’re struggling with these issues and wonder where the right path lies, here’s author Alyson Schafer’s take on the 8 myths she discovered about motherhood.

Myth: My Children are a Reflection of Me
Myth: Self-Care is Selfish
Myth: My Marriage Can Wait
Myth: Good Mother’s Are All-Caring and All -Protecting
Myth: Good Mother’s are in Control
Myth: Good Mother’s Manage Sibling Conflict
Myth: Only the Best Education for My Child
Myth: Good Mothers Make Life Fun and Entertaining

What would you add to this list of critiques about approaches to motherhood?

We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.

Get [even more] gorgeous, mum!

Motherhood No Responses »

Apr 152011

There she is in all her loveliness stepping out here and dashing off there. The news is all aflutter about the engagement and upcoming marriage of Kate Middleton to Prince William. If pashminas, pearls, tailored tweed jackets and Tiffany jewellery are your passion, Catherine (as she is now known) is your fashion muse. As more stories come out about her fashion style, we are also learning that she has a personal shopper/stylist, gets regular hair blowouts and has seemingly endless funds to support regular shopping trips and beauty/spa treatments.

If you’re well past Middleton’s age of 28, have a few children in your household and have long past the days when you slavishly pampered yourself with the latest fashion and treatments, you might be feeling a bit long in the tooth compared to a media darling such as Kate Middleton or Demi Moore for that matter. Recent reports suggest that Demi spends as much as $140,000 a year on her appearance. In a roundabout way, considering the attention given to these women in the media, it begs the question – how can the rest of us go from frump (if we’ve gone down that road) back to fabulous? Here are some thoughts about how you can rev up your own personal look.

* Ditch the maternity clothes

Oh good heavens. Has it been months or longer since you gave birth and you’re still wearing those roomy tops? Even if you’re just wearing them around the house, they’ve got to go into the Salvation Army bin. Give some other expectant mother the opportunity to have a maternity wardrobe and move on. Whatever your body shape is, post pregnancy embrace your shape and buy some fitted clothes. Fitted clothes are always more flattering. If you are buying pieces that don’t quite hug your curves, bring your pieces to a tailor.

* So your clothes don’t fit anymore

Your body changed post pregnancy and there are a number of clothes in your closet that simply do not fit. You swear it’s because the dryer shrunk them. Whatever the reason, they’ve got to go into the aforementioned bin as well. Forget about fitting into them later. If it’s been over a years since you gave birth, let them go. Should you eventually return to that pre-pregnancy weight, or take up fitness boot camp, you could probably use some fresh pieces in your wardrobe.

* Do you still dress like you’re 25?

It’s time to spend some time watching What Not to Wear. Truly. Mini skirts are best left to the under 35. A length just above or resting on the knees can be just as flattering and sexy. Ditto for those teeny, stretchy tops and any clothing that screams “trend of the season”. This seems counter intuitive, since the fashion industry wants you to wear the latest trends. The problem here is that many clothing styles are designed for the under 30 set, are simply not flattering or sophisticated and will be out of fashion next year. On your family budget, can you really afford to be buying clothes one season and ditching them the next?

* Do your clothes make you look fabulous?

Whether you’re wearing your clothes around the house with your children or out on the street, do your pieces make you look fabulous from head to toe? If not, part ways. It’s that simple. Wait until you’re in a bad mood, get out the garbage bag (for your trip to the Salvation Army bin) and start tossing. Keep your best jeans, pants, t-shirts and sweaters. Even your gym clothes should make you look fabulous.

* Do you know what style fits your body type?

Harem pants may be making a comeback, but they’re certainly not for every body type. Don’t believe all the hype about jeggings either. They simple aren’t suitable for everyone. Love your body and celebrate it by wearing cuts that flatter your shape, create flattering silhouettes, celebrate your strong points and create a balanced look .

* Do you have a second pair of eyes?

They might belong to your husband. They might belong to your ten year old daughter. Who is the person in your life who really knows what makes you look fabulous? Listen to their opinions as well.

* Do you buy clothes full price?

If you’re looking to freshen up your wardrobe you will want to watch your pennies. Your money won’t stretch far if you rush out and buy a good amount of clothes at full price. On the other hand you want to be wary of buying the reject pieces stores are trying to dump just because they are on sale. If you choose classic (but not necessarily conservative) and well made pieces (as in construction and fabric), you can watch out for that moment when stores start to reduce their items. Don’t wait for the end of the season sales, though. The best pieces in your size may be long gone. It might take you a year to build up your wardrobe, but eventually you’ll have a good

* Go designer

Did you know that Joe Fresh clothes are premiered on the Toronto Fashion Week runway? Yes. You too can afford designer clothes. You can’t go wrong with Joe Fresh cotton pants and shorts. You can also find attractive, on-trend tops at reasonable prices. Keep in mind that their clothes fit small and can shrink after a wash. If you normally fit a medium, consider buying a large.

* Get Creative

Have you noticed how expensive it is now to sew? Fabric is expensive. So are patterns. However you can buy patterns (including those from designers) that have a good amount of various pieces that form a cohesive ensemble. Some of the major fabric stores have loyalty programmes and hold regular sales. You can also find patterns and nice quality fabric at church sales or in the closets of retired sewers. If you prefer to support local craftswomen, you can search out clothing on Etsy.com that is created in your province or state.

* Swap with others

As you are shopping your closet looking for pieces that make you look fabulous, you will find many pieces that you can give away. Before you head to the thrift shop, you could consider having a clothing swap with your friends. Very often the pieces you are giving away aren’t worn out or out -of-date. You’re just bored with them, they don’t fit or they simply don’t suit you. You can also find clothing swaps advertised in local papers and in the general section on Craigslist.ca. (Search for “clothing swap”)

* A few good pieces does the trick

Coco Chanel famously believed that if you had a few well made suits in your wardrobe, you wouldn’t need to own a lot of clothes. Somehow we can’t imagine that people like Audrey Hepburn had huge wardrobes. You can build up a strong core to your closet by keeping your colour choices to consistent groupings, make sure you buy fabrics that are as natural as possible, watch for solid clothing construction and avoid trends. Coco also believed that a woman needs to be two things – classy and fabulous!

* Don’t forget your accessories

Scarves, purses and bags, and jewellery can really transform a wardrobe. You can find these pieces at good prices in stores and online (for example at Stella and Dot*). You can also find them in consignment stores and at school fair fashion sales. You just never know when you will encounter a good quality piece at an affordable price. The latest jewellery can transform the plainest of dresses from a few seasons back.

* Quality Counts

Whenever you are looking at a piece (whether it is used or new), dive in and find the label. Pieces that are made of mostly natural fabrics will not disappoint over the long run. They feel better, breathe in warmer weather and wear well over time.

* Get inspired

Check out recent fashion magazines from the library and check websites and blogs online. Get up to date on what looks are flattering for women of your age group, life style and body shape. If you are approaching 40, check out the Canadian and American editions of More magazine. This magazine is catering to the women above age 35 who want to look fabulous. Every office or social group has at least a few women in their second adulthood (late 30s and beyond) who really know how to dress in fresh and inspiring ways. Take notes whenever you see them. You may learn more from this type of woman than from watching Fashion TV.

* Be an individual

Be inspired by others, but don’t feel compelled to copy the looks of other people. Be daring. Set your own trends.

* Keep your ear to the wind

Try to source out the best places, locally, where you can find good fashion deals. Of course Winners is always a good option, but which Winners has the best selection? Some Winners have a dreary selection of picked over clothing. Your friends and colleagues will let you know which outlets are best. Try the Winners at Cambie and 7th Avenue in Vancouver. Joe Fresh is available at Superstore outlets. (Some outlets have more selection than others.) Or you can head down to the new Joe Fresh store at 540 Granville street. There are a number of good consignment stores in the Lower Mainland. For local designers who sell at relatively affordable prices check out the selection on Main Street and in Gastown. Another great opportunity to find consignment items is at hospital thrift stores and in the fashion booths at private school fairs. (The designer clothing corner at the yearly York House fair is a great example of a fashion opportunity!)

* Have your colours done

Who has their colours done anymore? That’s so 1980s right? Well, actually no. Your skin tone really does have an impact on choices you should be making for colours to wear. If you don’t know what colours look best on you, you really need to investigate this topic further. Don’t believe any saleswoman who tries to convince you otherwise.

* Know your stores

Stores such as Zara on Robson are more pricey, but are favoured for their European designed, fashion forward looks. Spend time digging through The Bay on Granville Street and you never know what you will find on sale. HP3/Cora Fashions (3825 Main St, Vancouver / 5515 W.Boulevard, Vancouver) carry statement and designer pieces at affordable prices.

* Here are some great items that can make you go from looking dated to wow!

- A great pair of jeans. Avoid the distressed look, make sure the cut flatters your booty and make sure they are long enough (without dragging all tattered on the streets). Don’t get caught up in the designer jeans option. If you know your body type you can find affordable jeans anywhere. Costco often offers jeans by companies such as Calvin Klein

- When you are heading down to the States to visit designer outlets, check out Banana Republic for their affordable line of fitted suit jackets and pants. Their pieces are perfect for the office or off-duty play. If you go down at Christmas time the discounts are deep.

- A great pair of boots. During the colder season you might find you are wearing boots every day. This is an investment that pays off. Boots with spiky heels are the rage right now. If you are competent walking in them, go for it. Or you can favour the riding boot (long and flatter) look that has been popular for a few seasons. If possible find a boot that goes well either with a skirt/dress or with pants. If you need to wear rainboots, choose boots with attitude. This is the perfect time to take a daring approach to style. Vancouverites embrace the notion of highly patterned or classic and boring (yet hot) boots (think Hunter wellies). We found affordable boots with a Royal Copenhagen porcelain inspired pattern at Walmart!

- A great purse. Scour the images of high end purses that you like and then find a cheaper option. Ebay is a great place to find purses. Private school fairs are also repositories for designer pieces that are still classic looking. Ditto for consignment stores on the west side of Vancouver. It can be hard to find hot accessories in Vancouver so you will need to dig about. If you or a friend plan to visit Japan, this is a country where you can find high end style purses at very affordable prices.

- Jewellery can turn your outfit from pretty to pretty fabulous. Stella and Dot jewellery is an affordable option that will help you to inject a fresh and fashion forward look into your wardrobe every season. Their new Spring/Summer line will be unveiled in January.

- Other accessories such as socks, nylons, tights, gloves, scarves (warm and silky) and hats can completely transform multiple outfits. Spend time scouring Winners, large department store sales, school fair sales and high end consignment shops for fun and unexpected finds.

- Makeup and skincare is a whole different topic. Choosing a number of items from a specific company can go a long way to creating a unified look. For high end companies try Darphin, Chanel, Benefit and Nars. For drugstore lines try L’Oreal (which is the cheaper version of the sister company Lancome), Vichy and Joe Fresh makeup. Waleda is an all natural and affordable alternative available in health food stores.

Are you ready to embrace your outer fabulous this spring/summer? Once you’ve got your wardrobe and look in place, here’s a tip from the world of modeling to help you strut your stuff. Take a regular sized step. Bring your foot back and now take a large step. Find the spot just in between these two strides and you’ve found the walk that will complete your outfit perfectly.

Related

Colour me Beautiful

Joe Fresh

List of local fashion outlets

Hp3 on Facebook

Seattle Premium Outlet Sales

Winners Store Locator

Local designer stores

Dream

Narcissist (on Main)

Videos

Best clips from frump to feminine on What Not to Wear

Books

Dress Your Best: The Complete Guide to Finding the Style That’s Right for Your Body

Articles

How Kate Middleton went from frump to fabulous

Demi Moore spends $140,000 per year on her looks

More.ca

*Stellaanddot.com/chan is part of the BC Family Merchandise programme

A Savvy Auntie Shout-Out

Family No Responses »

Feb 232011

If you are an auntie who does not have children and you have not heard about the Savvy Auntie website, welcome back. You were on a round the world trip for the last few years, right? All kidding aside, if you are a PANK (Professional Auntie No Kids), you take your role as auntie seriously. You are devoted to the children in your life and they in turn benefit greatly from the role that you play in their lives.

The Savvy Auntie website was set up for women like you. As noted on the website, mummy aunties are most welcome to join the site; however, the motivation to set up the site was grounded in the need to explore and celebrate all topics related to aunties who do not have children of their own.

Here is how the people at Savvy Auntie describe their site:

SavvyAuntie.com is the first and only community for Aunts: Aunties by Relation (ABR), Aunties by Choice (ABC), Mommy Aunties, Great Aunts, Godmothers, and all women who love kids. SavvyAuntie.com enables and empowers Aunts to exchange ideas, get advice, find gifts and connect with other Savvy Aunties. The first to offer Forums, Groups, Blogs, an Auntiepedia and other social tools designed uniquely for Aunties, SavvyAuntie.com gives Aunts a unique and modern approach to learn, connect, share and celebrate Aunt-hood.

If this website leaves you craving more Savvy Auntie content, you are just in time to pre-order a copy of the Savvy Auntie’s soon to be released book called Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers, and All Women who Love Kids

As Savvy Auntie founder Melanie Notkinexplains, Savvy Aunties are not childless, they are “child-full – and their love is a gift”.

So raise a glass to yourselves you fabulous savvy aunties. The days when aunties’ talents and contributions went mostly unnoticed are over. Celebrate yourself and your contributions – and if you do love the website or buy the book we’d love to hear your thoughts about the Savvy Auntie life brand.

Related

Savvy Auntie Channel on You Tube

A mum’s response to the Savvy Auntie site

How to be a Savvy Auntie this spring

Becoming a mum, at last

Family, Parenting No Responses »

Feb 012011

A week does not go by when we are not hearing stories about one Hollywood star or another having a child after 40. Often the actor is having her first or second child. Who doesn’t love a story about babies? Nowadays people are equally fascinated with the details about how older moms are fulfilling their dream to become a mother. Members of the media are also keen to share every detail about fertility treatments in Hollywood. In a recent interview with Celine Dion one journalist went so far as to ask Celine how many embryos she had left. Not surprisingly, Celine did not share details about this very personal information.

Here in British Columbia women in their late 30s and early 40s face many challenges and obstacles if they hope to start a family. One of the most common reactions from contemporaries is the question “why did you wait so long?”. A further assessment might include the conclusion that a woman focussed on her career too much, was too picky about finding a husband or simply waited too long. This is the uncomfortable environment in which women starting a family beyond 35 live.

The statistics and news about fertility treatments for those who are struggling to start a family can be confusing. Even though Hollywood actors are having babies using IVF, some reports present depressing statistics about success rates for women close to 40 and beyond. Additionally there is no shortage of heart breaking stories about what can go wrong on the fertility journey. It can also seem formidable to consider adoption options. The adoption process in Canada can be expensive, slow and uncertain. Adoptions overseas have become more difficult and come with their own challenges.

Considering these challenges, it is heart warming to read about Sharon Simon, who has shared her story about becoming a mother after 40 on the website Flowerpower.com . Simons’ difficult foray into the world of IVF ended in heartbreak; however, she was able to successfully adopt two children from Russia.

If you are a mother over 40 or if you are seeking more information about adoption, do check out both the Flowerpower.com site published by Angel La Liberte and Simons’ site called momatlast.com,where you can find information about adoption and related stories.

Related

Adoption after 40 (website)

Motherhood after 40 – The great age debate on CNN

Mothers over 40 (UK based website)

How much risk are kids worth? (Vancouver Sun story – part of a series)

Aveta.blogspot.com (a weblog about the IVF journey)

Ready: Why women are embracing the new later motherhood

Sharon Simons on the Internet

Sharon Simons on Mom Bloggers Club

Sharon Simons on Facebook

Mom at Last page on Facebook

Momatlast.com website

Let's Talk: I am Tiger Mother. Hear me yell.

Education, Family, Parenting 1 Response »

Jan 112011

I have many [regrets]. I wish I hadn’t been so harsh. I wish I hadn’t lost my temper so much. I wish I’d paid more attention earlier to the individual personalities of my daughters. Maybe given them a little more choice. If I’d had to do it all over again, I would basically do the same thing with some adjustments. Looking at my daughters now, I am incredibly proud of them. It’s not just that they’re good students. It’s that they’re really kind, generous, confident, happy girls with lots of friends and huge personalities. They’re always putting me in my place. They’re the opposite of robots. (Amy Chua, Author, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother in a Globe and Mail interview.)

It’s all about priorities. At least this is the impression you might receive after reading Yale Law Professor Amy Chua’s confessions about her parenting style. In a recently released book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Chua talks about the habits and perspectives of Chinese parents and her experiences living in a Eurasian household. Since Ms. Chua is a Chinese-American who was raised in the United States, we have to understand the term “Chinese parents” loosely. She could be talking about parents in China, recent immigrants to North America, or first or second generation Chinese-North Americans who favour the parenting ideology found in the typical Chinese families.

In a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, Ms. Chua explains that she has taken a hands-on and in your face approach to raising her children. One really cannot get the full flavor of the author’s perspective without reading her new book; however, it does seem that she is describing her approach with a touch of satire and full on conviction. She also contrasts her own approach with values and perspectives favoured by “western parents”. Presumably this term refers to anyone who lives in the United States,is not a Chinese parent or does not identify as a recent immigrant. A little bit of controversy never hurts an author when her book is being launched. It’s no surprise then that the article sports an eye popping title. Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? An what happens when they fight back? Wowsers. That’s a title guaranteed to attract a few “click throughs”. The author has since stated that she did not choose the title for this article. If she could have chosen a tamer and less attention grabbing title ,would she have approved a more conservative option?

The reader learns that in the pre-teen years Ms. Chua’s children were not permitted the following*:

• attending a sleepover

• having a playdate

• being in a school play

• complaining about not being in a school play

• watching TV or playing computer games

• choosing their own extracurricular activities

• getting any grade less than an A

• not being the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• playing any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not playing the piano or violin.

* The author admits that as the girls entered their teens one of her daughters rebelled and she had to change her approach. They are allowed sleep overs now and go to concerts.

It seems that common childhood social activities were seen as distractions and time wasters. The author also set her priorities about what the children should be doing and achieving: an A in all academic subjects and mastery of two instruments. Most parents will be shocked by this list. They will be even more alarmed when they read that the author routinely berated her children and even called her daughter garbage on one occasion. Apparently Chua was treated the same way by her parents and claims that this is not an uncommon practice in Chinese households. She further argues that over the top compliments and praise that are not a realistic assessment of the child’s abilities can sometimes make a child feel more diminished than if he or she had received harsh critiques. In contrast, she explains that if the child excels in her chosen subjects and hobbies, much praise is lavished on the child in private. Additionally, the child is more prepared for the harsh environment of the world at large.

Even though Chua’s book is a memoir, her ideas raise questions about whether her own approach is reasonable and worthy of replication in other households.

- What kind of world would we live in if all parents treated their children this way? Would we be happier? Would we be more successful and grateful? Would we be more self-fulfilled?

- Would most children excel in school if parents took the approach of Ms. Chua?

- Do children in these types of households grow up to appreciate or resent their parents for micro-programming and directing their lives?

- How do these children learn to develop their own initiatives, take chances and feel a sense of accomplishment independent of the viewpoints of others?

- What would happen to children who have learning difficulties or are interested in non-academic subjects?

- Ms. Chua and her children are female. Do boys respond equally as well to harsh words from parents?

- What happens if the child is particularly sensitive?

- The author called her daughter an “uncultured savage” for not trying caviar in Russia. The daughter called her mother selfish and terrible and added that she hated her and the violin. The author concludes that she would not change how she raised her daughters, but would make a few adjustments including less anger outbursts, respecting her daughters individual personalities and providing a bit more choice. Could she implement these changes and maintain the approach that she took in the early, intensive learning years? Would just a few changes have avoided this repressed outburst from her daughter?

- Should a parent force a child to practice repetitively for hours on end? Shouldn’t the child have an internal drive and motivation to want to continue to learn a skill?

- Are there other teaching methods that could have helped the author’s girls master a skill (eg a piano song) rather than the harsh approach mentioned in the article?

- Are “western parents” really as soft and lenient as the author believes? How does the author account for widely reported cases of helicopter parenting? Very few parents want to admit that they are “helicopter parents”. Couldn’t it be argued that the latter have a similar approach to parenting? They monitor their child’s progress carefully. They love their children and want them to achieve their full potential. They believe in their children’s abilities and carefully monitor their weekly activities.

- Is there another way that the author could accept that is somewhere between too lenient and the methods mentioned by the author?

- Do children really need to study and practice every waking moment outside of school hours in order to excel? Were three hours of music practice per day and double sessions on weekends necessary?

- Why couldn’t the author let her children attend a sleep over play date from time to time when they were young? Was the girls’ week so tightly scheduled?

- How did this non participation in common childhood social opportunities affect the social development of the author’s daughters?

- Couldn’t it be argued that children need to develop pride in their work on their own rather than relying on praise lavished by adults? What do psychologist know about how children develop a sense of satisfaction in their own efforts? Is a feeling of pride and self satisfaction connected to internal or external input? Why do children feel motivated to pursue an interest or make an effort?

- How do new generations of Chinese-North American parents combine traditional beliefs about child rearing with new perspectives?

- Why have some adult Chinese- North Americans reacted so strongly against the author’s description of her parenting style when her daughters were in elementary school?

- Since both of the author’s children are not mature adults over age 24, it seems a bit early for the author to be reminiscing about her child rearing abilities. Even though the author showed drafts of the book chapters to her children for approval, how can her girls develop their own internal stories and understanding about the progress of their childhood when the whole world has already been told the story by the mother?

Photo (included in the WSJ article) from Ms. Chua’s album: “Mean me with Lulu in hotel room… with score taped to TV!”

According to the US Census Bureau, Asian Americans of East, South and South East Asia heritage have the highest educational attainment level and median household income of any ethnic group. They also make up less than 5% of the total population. Chinese Americans would be an even smaller sub category of this larger group. Here in British Columbia, and in the Lower Mainland in particular, there are numerous families who have Chinese and East Asian heritage. Undoubtedly the ideas presented in this book will be a hot topic of conversation amongst local parents of young and school-aged children.

Parents like Amy Chua are the reason people like me are in therapy

Financial Post article

Globe and Mail article

Here the Tiger Mother Roar

Amy Chua’s “Battle of the Tiger Mother”, on Chinese American Family Culture

Behind the Wall: Chinese or Western? Who wins the mommy war?

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua

Tales of a Chinese daughter: On the superiority or not of Amy Chua’s Chinese mothers

In Defense of the Guilty, Preoccupied, Ambivalent Western Mother

Tough love from a Chinese mother

Amy Chua is a Wimp

Amy Chua references on Twitter

Amy Chua’s eldest daughter responds to the criticism

Audio

Tiger Mothers: Raising Children the Chinese Way (Listen on NPR)

Video

Tiger mom Amy Chua responds to the uproar

Bending Stereotypes of Chinese Parenting

Pushing back

Family, Motherhood, Parenting No Responses »

Nov 082010

Ask any woman in her sixties or seventies and they will tell you that they used cloth diapers on their children. They also made their own baby food. A woman in her seventies or older will probably also tell you that she nursed her child and did not use formula. Ask a parent living in a remote area of the developing world and she will tell you that her child goes diaper free. You also won’t have to look too far in the developing world to find children who are strapped to their mother’s bodies using various cloth contraptions. There is nary a stroller in sight. In many households in the world mothers are not using baby food, copious amounts of diapers and harsh chemical-based cleaning products.

Why is it, then, that some older mothers feel the need to write about the so-called green parenting/attachment/Stay at Home Mom parenting interests of their younger female contemporaries? Why do we find articles online and in newspapers and magazines that poke fun at, and criticize, new mothers? Why do women who are ten, twenty or more years out of “young motherhood” feel the need to defend their own choices by painting the current interests and trends as unnecessary, trendy and over-the-top?

If a mother wants to cook a carrot on the stove and mash it rather than buy a jar of baby food for a dollar, why should other people care? If she wants to use a cloth diaper, rinse it and wash it, just as women in the 1960s and earlier did before Pampers were the norm, why should others wag their fingers and mock her household water consumption? If a mother wants to carry her child rather than push him around in a stroller for hours on end, is this so terrible? If she wants to nurse her child beyond six months, is this an unreasonable choice? If she wants to buy locally made clothes made out of natural fabrics, is she obsessed? If a mother wants to have her child sleep nearby just as babies have done in her ancestors’ families for generations, such we criticize her? If she decides to not work out of the home and be with her child/children is she wanting to be “ever present” for, and spending every moment with, her child? If a mother’s home has hardwood floors or tiles and she wants to make the effort to try the “diaper less during the day” trend, is this an unreasonable endeavour? Should we conclude that mothers making these decisions are victims who feel a loss of control in the face of challenges such as pollution in the environment?

Are parents today more “ insufferably obsessed then they’ve ever been“? Popular Vancouver Sun columnist Shelley Fralic thinks they are. She also thinks that back in the day – when her age group were raising young children – motherhood was a lot simpler. This is a generation of mothers who embraced breast feeding, unlike mothers in the 1960s who believed their doctors’ claims about the science behind formula. The La Leche movement and home birthing pools are not inventions of the 2000s. The children of Fralic’s generation were raised in an era when DINKs (double income with kids) were sending their little Johnny and Susies to every camp and class going. Baby boomer parents lavished all manner of praise and money on their children. Their children could do no wrong, and many were considered by their parents to be naturally gifted. Not surprisingly there was an increased interest in “programmes for gifted children” in schools. Many Canadians younger and older than the baby boomers will recall how parenting played out in the so-called “simpler” days of twenty odd years ago. Some of the offspring of the older Baby Boomers are now attending group counseling in college, sharing stories about how they were over-catered to and micro-managed by their parents. Meanwhile come colleges are holding workshops to help parents “let go” of their children. The results of the parenting styles of the Shelley Fralics of this world suggest that the criticisms older women levy on their younger counterparts are not based on rock solid parenting approaches.

A recent article by feminist and author Erica Jong suggests that mothers today are jumping on the green/attachment parenting band wagon due to a feeling of loss of control. If we are going to start attaching deeper, psychological meaning to simple actions such as making a pasta meal for a baby from scratch, perhaps we should investigate why the Erica Jongs of this world feel the need to analyze motherhood trends today. Perhaps they feel the need to defend their own decisions thirty years ago. They want to believe, and want the world to believe, that the work/life balance that they chose was the best possible choice for children then and now. Unfortunately they do so at the expense of other women.

You know a subset of mothers feel particularly entitled and overly self-assured when they feel the need to write about “scaring [a younger mother] one horror story at a time”, telling her that her viewpoint is “bullshit”. “I felt a sadistic rush of pleasure, the kind I imagine college seniors get when they’re bullying pledges during frosh week”, one such 40 something mother of teens wrote in a More Magazine (Canadian edition) opinion piece. “[The young mother to be] fled, I mean left, soon after, her face turned pale. Too bad — the rest of us were just starting to have a good time.”

Maybe if women of all generations were more consistent about banding together and supporting each other we would have the type of early childhood education and [day]care that women in countries such as Sweden enjoy. Maybe maternity and paternity leave provisions in the United States of America wouldn’t be so pitiful. The next time a new mother reads a critique of parenthood today – read motherhood – she should dare to push back. After all, if we are going to start labeling ideas as “bullshit”, let’s make sure we identify the right ones.

What do you think about this topic? Please leave a comment using the comment function below or by visiting our Facebook page. We would love to hear from you!

Related

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Mother’s Day: Remember when motherhood was simple?

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Recent trends and challenges

Cartoon image source

Photograph: BCFamily.ca

Fatherhood Swedish Style

Family, Parenting No Responses »

Oct 202010

It’s no coincidence that Iceland has the most generous paternity-leave program in the modern world—three months!—and also, the smallest wage gap. These things go hand in hand. And no, it wasn’t a raging man-hating feminist who pushed the legislation through—it was a male prime minister, who recognized that Icelanders of both genders would benefit, and not just in the short term. The reasoning? As more men take time off to care for their children, the burden of parenthood no longer falls on women alone. Ultimately, employers will stop looking at young, fertile women and thinking, why bother investing? We’ll all be equally worthy of investment. (Who Needs Men? We Do., Newsweek)

They brought us Ikea, Volvo and Saab. Like the Icelandic people, the Swedes are famous for their progressive programme offerings in Early Childhood Education and care (day care), and have some of the world’s best educated ECE teachers. These provisions enable quality education and care for a future generation of Swedes, caring for the one to six year old, pre-elementary school aged child. These family-centred polices also allow women to return to the workforce and, as a consequence, support economic growth.

“Society is a mirror of the family. The only way to achieve equality in society is to achieve equality in the home. Getting fathers to share the parental leave is an essential part of that.” (Bengt Westerberg, Former Deputy Prime Minister of Sweden)

Since 1974, Sweden has also had a progressive paternity leave programme wherein mothers and fathers can take 14 months off (combined) at up to 80% of the pay, with a guarantee to be able to return to their previously held position. In 1995 the government introduced a non-transferable two months off for fathers which is forfeited should the father choose to not use it. Since the paternity leave programme started, the Swedish birth rate has increased. For American parents these details must seem like something from a utopian dream. Here in British Columbia fathers can take paternity leave; however, the pay rate is lower than 80% and fewer men take advantage of the paternity leave provisions. Parents in British Columbia can receive 100% of their pay rate if they work for an organization that provides a “top up” programme.

For British Columbians, more than the details of the paternity leave, the Swedish and Icelandic programmes are interesting for the validation they provide for men who want to stay home with their children in the early years. Indeed, as the programme states, it is a badge of honour to be at home with your children.

“Machos with dinosaur values don’t make the top-10 lists of attractive men in women’s magazines anymore. Now men can have it all — a successful career and being a responsible daddy. It’s a new kind of manly. It’s more wholesome.” (Birgitta Ohlsson, European affairs minister)

The following benefits are available to Swedish fathers:

- Parental benefit in connection with childbirth is provided for a total of 480 days per child.
- Sixty days are reserved for the father and 60 for the mother. The rest can be shared freely.
- 390 days are paid at 80 percent of the parent’s income, up to a given ceiling.
- The remaining 90 days are at a set daily rate.
- In addition, fathers are entitled to 10 days of paid leave when the child is born. About 80 percent of fathers take advantage of this benefit. (Sweden Fosters Fatherhood, Robin Hincks)

A study reported in the Guardian newspaper highlights the importance of fathers spending a sufficient amount of time with their children in the early years, in particular.

Children are more likely to suffer development problems if their fathers do not take paternity leave or spend enough time with them when they are very young, according to an analysis of thousands of babies born around the turn of the millennium.

A report published today by the Equal Opportunities Commission and based on research tracking 19,000 children born in 2000 and 2001 found emotional and behavioural problems were more common by the time youngsters reached the age of three if their fathers had not taken time off work when they were born, or had not used flexible working to have a more positive role in their upbringing.

What do you think about this topic? Please leave a comment using the comment function below or by visiting our Facebook page. We would love to hear from you!

Related

In Sweden Men Can Have it All

Snack Bags and a Regular Pay Cheque: The Happy Life of a Swedish Dad

Sweden Fosters Fatherhood

Six Swedish Dads

Baby does best with dad off work

The astonishing science of father involvement

How does parental leave work in Sweden?

ABC News Video: Sweden’s Paternity Leave

Who Needs Men? We Do. (Newsweek Magazine)

Mums in Sweden (for some insight into general parenting topics in Sweden. An English language forum.)

Through Thick and Thin: Icelandic Men on Paternity Leave