At a reception for Top Mom Bloggers in Vancouver, a local blogger shared her experience about blogging.  “If you think everything has been said about a topic already, write about it”, she advised.

Does a topic related to parenting ever get exhausted?

If you have had a baby in the last five years, you might have noticed certain attitudes or trends that weren’t in place when your contemporaries or older women had babies ten or more years ago. Of course trends and attitudes don’t develop overnight, and many popular notions are supported by child development specialists and authors of parenting books.

Whether it’s tiger moms, concepts of French parenting styles, helicopter parents or attachment parenting, members of the media are all too happy to deconstruct the popular parenting topic of the moment. They consult academics and authors and find parents who are willing to support a theory and talk about it on network television. The voice of the average mother is inaudible in the cacaphony of uploaded interviews; links to articles and postings calling out for your attention; and, “did you hear about this cautionary tale?’ comments you encounter on the BBQ circuit.

Elisabeth Badinter is a philosophy professor, feminist and author of The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood is Undermining the Status of Women. Considering Badinter’s arguments in this book – shown in bold below and turned into questions -  how would your experiences inform your replies to her assessments?

Did you give up your career, social life, hopes, dreams, goals, ambition, future and autonomy to have children?

* Have you taken a temporary or permanent step away from your career and future professional options now that you have had children? Why did you make this decision and was it by choice or by necessity?

* How do you think the cost of living in British Columbia has an impact on your choices related to the intersection of career and having children?

Does attachment parenting issues such as baby wearing, breast feeding and co-sleeping, for example, monopolize the time of a mother and modern day expectations?

* If you adhere to some but not all of the ideas connected to attachment parenting, do you feel that you have embraced this movement?  Do you feel that you have to embrace attachment parenting in totality or not at all?

* Do you find that the parents who embrace attachment parenting ideas come from select or diverse socio-economic backgrounds?

* Do parents who prefer attachment parenting show confidence in the choices they make, why they should want to follow this approach and how the ideas should be implemented?

Do the tenets of attachment parenting put pressure on you to try these approaches?

* Where you influenced by the attachment parenting choices of other parents when you made choices for your baby/child?

* Have you heard of parents who found attachment parenting approaches to be tiring or stressful?  Has this been your experience?  Does the topic of time commitments ever come up in relation to this topic?

Did you shun modern conveniences, favouring a return to more traditional and organic parenting styles, in order to avoid the negative effects of goods and services produced by large industrial corporations?

* What type of resources, information and local organic product and services companies can you find in the Pacific Northwest and/or your region?

* What types of local support programmes and initiatives encourage and support parents to adopt homegrown and locally produced options for their children?

* How do parents connect with other parents, businesses and organizations that can help to create a more organically correct home environment?

* Are organic foods and other items expensive for parents?

* Do parents feel that any extra expenditures for organic products are worth the cost?

* Have you shunned some or many modern conveniences?

* What do you think these negative effects of goods and services would be?

Are you focused on doing what’s right for the children you chose to have?

* How have your aspirations – pre-children – stayed the same or changed since having children?

* How have your goals regarding “doing what’s right” stayed the same or changed as your child has grown older?

* Do you feel any pressure from outside influences when it comes to determining what is right for your child?

Do you want to avoid the pitfalls your mother encountered in the 1970s and 80s?

* In what decades was your mother raising children?

* What were some of the challenges that she faced as a mother and, perhaps, as a woman working outside of the home?

* How have your mother’s experiences affected the choices that you have made as a mother?

Is it true that a woman’s decision to not work, purchase organic baby food, cook her own food and use cloth diapers is affected by her economic circumstances?

* If you are a mother who works outside of the home, would you be a full-time Stay At Home Mum even if you could afford to get by without working? A different version of this question would be “are you a Work Outside of The Home mum irregardless of your economic circumstances?”.

* Has your work status changed since your children were babies (post maternity leave)?

* Do you think the ideas included in this question are fair?

On average, readers of Elisabeth Badinter’s book in France gave her work 4 stars. In North America it received a paltry 2 1/2 stars. Her assessments (turned into questions above) are edgy and provocative.  There was a controversy regarding Badinter’s professional connection to the Nestle company and companies that make Similac and Enfamil; however, no strong link between her PR work and the ideas in her book have been presented. What matters more is that her assessments are levied, primarily, at North American mothers.

The mainstream media outlets often share motherhood stories written by prominent Americans.  Meanwhile one in ten mothers in North America share experiences online.  If you have something to say about any topic related to parenting and children – or whatever interests you have – write about it.  Your content will be read and your voice will be heard. The likelihood is that every stone has not been overturned.

If you have written a response to Badinter’s work (or to any of the questions listed above), please do share the link in the comment section below.

You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or by visiting the BC Family Facebook page. Your opinion matters so don’t be shy!

Related

Interview with Elisabeth Badinter (in French)/Video

Interview with Elisabeth Badinter on the CBC (in English)/Podcast

Eight principles of attachment parenting

The Conflict receives 4 stars on Amazon France and 2 1/2 stars on Amazon USA

In the spirit of Mother’s Day all of us working moms are powerhouses! Bonnie Fuller

The problem with modern motherhood (Interview with Elisabeth Badinter)

Are Liberal Moms Enslaved By Their Kids? (With comments section.)

Bringing up baby – a French woman’s take on American parenting choices

Media fall-out post Time/Badinter comments

Review of The Conflict in Business Week

Dr Trina Read discusses the Mummy Chasm

In an episode of the popular Made in Canada TV show Being Erica, Erica learns the value of setbacks. While taking tea with her mother, played by Kathleen Laskey, the latter gives the kind of speech that any parent would want to give.

How do you respond when live deals you a blow? Here’s what Erica’s TV mum has to say:

When you hit a bump you pick yourself up and you keep going. Things don’t always turn out the way you imagine. Life deals you a hand and no matter what card you’re holding, you have to play it. …and it’s hard and it never stops being hard. But you learn …and you change … and you grow. …and even in my darkest moments I remind myself it’s the reason we’re all here.

So you got fired.

So your job is being eliminated.

So you found out your US Naval officer boyfriend believed in having a girlfriend in every port and would further his career at any cost, including losing you. (Hands up here at BCFamily. Working on the screenplay. Kidding…about the screenplay that is.)

So your career is tanking – at least for the moment.

So you’re back down at the bottom again.

It could be worse. Get back up and keep fighting.

It’s hard to hear this kind of advice when life isn’t going the way that you’d like. This is when you need someone like a mum or friend in your life saying “that is terrible. OK. SO – what’s next?”.   It’s a blessing to have someone like that who can encourage you to keep going.  Hopefully if one door is closing it’s because another door is opening.

If this isn’t the situation in your life right now, chances are it is for a friend of yours. Look around.  Could you be the person who could help propel someone forward through challenging times?

You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or by visiting the BC Family Facebook page. Your opinion matters so don’t be shy!

Related

Watch the whole show from December 1, 2009 (Those living outside of Canada should install Hot Shield/an IP blocker.) The tea time session takes place at 32.28 minutes.

Towards the end of our week long stay on Vancouver Island recently, my parents and my family decided to go out to dinner at an upscale island restaurant.  After we arrived, we were ushered to a table in the back corner of the restaurant.  At the neighbouring table a 50-something woman was talking about how over indulged children are today. As a trained Montessori professional and mother, I couldn’t help but take in her audible broadcast.  My fellow diner then proceeded to discuss the parenting style of her sibling and the behaviour of her own nieces and nephews.  She later confirmed that she is a single, “happy auntie”.  It’s good that she clarified she’s a happy and devoted aunt.  At the end of the meal she declared that my three year-old twins are unusually well behaved.  Gee, if they had moved too much left or right or raised their voices, would she have thought differently?

On an almost daily basis, as I filter news and opinions via print and TV media,  I often think that we put children and their parents under too much of microscope. In North American society we encounter regular analysis of parents and parenting outcomes; judgmental spoken and written content and comments about the failings of parents and their children; and, a steady diet of social media content about parenting and childhood topics that include catchy headlines and photos designed to become trending stories.  Before we label others as helicopter parents and think about focusing on the merits of a Free Range Childhood, let’s start with the idea of a Free Range Society that includes letting go of the need to over analyze parents and their children. It’s time to embrace the diversity that exists in households and agree that difference is normal and acceptable.  It’s time to be less high maintenance about our own existence and needs and let people be.

I grew up in a Foreign Service family and have been flying on commercial flights since I was six weeks old. (I was the size of a four week old, since I arrived two weeks early.) My first flight from Alberta to Ethiopia was a two day ordeal that involved me, my mother and my 2 1/2 year old brother.  At one point the plane caught on fire over the ocean and had to be turned back.  Thankfully in those days a parent and her children were noticed and helped on their journey while onboard and in the airport.  I have many memories of unpleasant flight neighbours over the years, but none of them included crying babies.  Do we need to have flights dedicated to being “child free”?  Should we feel tense when we see a child sit down near us on a plane? Can we turn our frown upside down and extend a smile to a parent on a long-haul flight who is trying to cope with a restless child who just wants to get up and move?

Of course there has always been nit-picking about how younger generations raise their children, but the scale of the discussion about what is wrong with children and parents today has gotten out of hand in the print media and in online forums. People’s lives aren’t episodes from a reality TV show.  Most of us know many well behaved and outstanding citizens who are under age 18.  We also know, if we take the time to investigate, that the parents in our midst are doing their level best.

When it comes to parents and their offspring nowadays I have three expectations: that parents model how to show empathy and consideration towards others; model how to converse with other people; and, model when and how personal electronic devices should be used.  As for indiscretions in public spaces, I choose to look away.  I don’t know about you, but I had my personal moments when I was growing up.  “I don’t CARE who’s looking”, I would huff at my brother, “I’ll never meet these people again in my life.”  Thankfully nobody was tweeting/texting/Twitpic’ing/Facebooking about my mini, and hardly noteworthy in the big picture, misstep at the time!

You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or by visiting the BC Family Facebook page. Your opinion matters so don’t be shy!

Daily Dish Archives: Pamela Chan/Publisher, BCfamily.ca

Related

Are You a Sh**ty Mom (Sometimes)?

Hands up.  Do you have friends who carefully chose unique baby names only to find that their choice turned up on the Most Popular Baby Names list? In some households this can happen more than once, despite the parents’ best efforts.  Isn’t it fascinating how a couple can choose a name because they like it, or it’s a family name, and it turns out to be a popular name when the child enters school. Olivia the cartoon pig had to contend with the shocking news that there will be  a second Olivia in her class.  Then there are the names that don’t appear on the top 100 – think Emmett and Wesley – until, without warning, they appear in the hot and rising name category.

It’s a funny business – choosing a baby name – but it’s also lots of fun.  Of course there’s also the cross-over possibilities for when you search names to use for your pet.  It’s always useful to have a list of favourite names on hand.

Here are the popular names for 2012, so far:

Girls: Alice, Charlotte, Frances, Hazel, Leonie, Penelope, Ruby and Wren.   Also popular: Fleur, Iris, Ivy, Juniper, Magnolia, Hazel, Ruby and Scarlet

Boys: Elliot, James, Kingston, Silas and Walter. Also popular: Gideon, Isaac, James, Jude, Hezekiah.

Nameberry.com hot names on the rise. Girls:  Blythe, Estelle, Aria, Ivy and Adelle Boys: Emmett,  Everett, Weston, Wesley, West, Grayson, Gray, Cyrus and Cato

What are your favourite names? Do you know if they’ve been popular over the years?

We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.

RELATED:

Hot baby names on the rise

Name dropping

This chart shows trends in the use of a name (in the UK) since 1996.

It is a story that pulled ahead of the pack in the bleary hours of early morning news.  Hilary Rosen, a consultant to the Democrats and CNN commentator, has called out Mitt Romney and his wife for comments they have made about women and the economy.  While speaking with Anderson Cooper on CNN, Rosen suggested that Romney hasn’t “worked a day in her life”.  In the Twitterverse and blogosphere all buttons pointing to mothers, their participation in the workforce and access to affordable childcare are fully engaged.  Stay-at-home-dads have also been pulled into the conversation.

Ann Romney responded by sharing her opinion about Stay-at-Home Moms on her new (and verified) Twitter account:

Romney explained that her “career choice was to be a mother and [she thinks] all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.” Hilary Rosen also shared her response to Romney on Twitter:

In a discussion with Anderson Cooper on CNN, Rosen agreed with the Romney’s belief that women are more focussed on economic issues related to their families than they are on other topics.  Similarly, Canadian election-related research shows that women are most attuned to political messages that focus on social welfare and issues that affect the economic reality of their family life.

In OECD assessments, the United States and Canada provide some of the poorest early childhood education and care offerings.  Parental leave rights in the United States are a fraction of the 12 months provided in Canada. On this topic, feminist author Jessica Valenti  joined the conversation on Twitter:

The developing story related to this exchange highlights the divide between Republican and Democrat priorities that is also seen in Canada. The Conservative Party of Canada (CPC) prefers to provide Canadian families with cash in hand that they can use to either pay for daycare or raise children at home.  Unfortunately the amount provided barely makes a dent in the costs that families in British Columbia encounter, for example, when they need to use daycare.  British Columbians and Canadians in other provinces (excluding Quebec) cannot find daycare even if they CAN afford the fees.  Wait-lists for high quality programmes can be three years long. (Two years too long for mothers in the workforce.) In contrast to the priorities of the CPC, the NDP, Green Patry and Liberal Party of Canada political parties are focussed on developing a national early childhood education and care programme. Provisions for parental leave in the United States are less than half of what is provided in Canada.  Women cobble together a few weeks leave by adding in vacation time as well. For most women, financial needs dictate that they will return to work. “The United States of America, for example, is the only OECD country without a national paid parental leave policy, although some states do provide leave payments. Available parental leave is short (12 weeks), and only covers some employees (those in companies with 50+ workers). While making changes will involve a cost to employers, there will be benefits not only to child well-being but also the labour market, as evidence suggests that when US mothers take their full leave entitlement, they are more likely to return to work than mothers who do not.” (OECD, Better Life Index)   Of 173 countries surveyed, the United States of America, Lesotho, Liberia, Papua New Guinea and Swaziland are the only countries were there is no national law requiring paid time off for new parents. Hilary Rosen also suggested that Ann Romney has not “dealt with the kinds of economic issues that a majority of women in [the United States] are facing in terms of how do [they] feed [their] kids? How do [they] send them to school and why do [they] worry about their future?”  Rosen’s comments speak more to a critique of an affluent, privileged woman than a woman who is the average stay-at-home mom.  Most stay-at-home moms in the United States live on modest one household incomes – or income assistance – and have financial concerns similar to those of mothers in the workforce.

The issues raised by the Romneys, Hilary Rosen and their supporters bring forward many questions:

How do we define a woman’s work? (See related NYTimes piece.)

Why do women choose to stay at home with their children?

Are some mothers at home full-time due to specific lifestyle choices such as religion, intellectual beliefs, homesteading or living off the grid, for example?

Are some women’s choices related to the availability, cost and/or quality of childcare?

Is the choice to stay at home with one’s children an economic luxury in the United States and Canada?  Would some parents like to stay at home with the children, but can’t afford to do so?

Are some women staying at home when they would rather, if they could, be in the workforce? (See similar issue in the UK.)

What contributions do stay-at-home-mothers make to the quality of life of their families and, in an unpaid capacity, through their contributions to society?

How are employers helping mothers to enter and stay in the workforce? Are employers providing incentives for mothers to return to work – as this Australian company is doing?  Are employers providing mentoring programmes?

Are large corporations offering affordable in-house daycare?

Are some women, as Facebook executive Sheryl Sandberg repeatedly points out, choosing to mentally check out and “leave before their leave” when they could and should be planning a return to work, post pregnancy?  Are women who stay at home with their children avoiding or escaping from jobs that are not, as Sandberg suggests, “compelling”?

For women who do want to be in the workforce, what quality of childcare will they encounter in their communities?  Are the programmes that are provided stimulating and nurturing for children?

What choices do single mothers – especially those with limited or no extra financial support – have when it comes to raising their children, working and childcare?

How do the provisions for high quality and accessible childcare in states and provinces compare to those in countries such as Finland and Sweden?

How can we encourage the development of government policies that support both women in the workforce and women who choose to stay at home full or part time with their children?

How can we encourage respectful dialogue about the diverse life and career choices that women make rather than focusing on ideas promoted by partisan politics?

What effect do short or long term parental leaves have on a woman’s career, her earning potential and her pension?

How do members of the media keep a spotlight on the needs of children and families in their communities and countries?

Do members of the media focus on the key topics or are they distracted by trending, and not necessarily typical topics such as Tiger Moms?

How do politicians stay abreast of the challenges that their constituents are facing?

Are politicians in the United States and Canada following public discourse about these topics in the media  – including their own media? (Prime Minister Stephen Harper, for example, admits that he does not follow the Canadian news.)

How are individual citizens sharing information about their experiences in public spaces such as social media?

The issues this media moment raises are important topics that will not necessarily be addressed adequately during presidential and federal election campaigns. Members of the media will pick up the story today and drop it again the day after tomorrow.  It is left to women and their partners to speak up and share their stories on their websites, blogs, Twitter accounts, Facebook pages and in their personal and professional conversations.

What is your story? Why did you decide to stay at home full-time with your children, or work full or part time?  What quality of childcare have you accessed?  Was it difficult to secure a space? What are your thoughts about the cost, availability and quality of childcare programmes?  If you could make changes, would you? How have your decisions related to childcare affected your career path, promotion opportunities and pension?

We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.

Related

Modern Motherhood:  Readers Respond (From The Guardian newspaper. Includes comments.)

Why we still have the Stay -at-Home Mom debate (There are 902 comments and counting!)

Ann Romney discusses the controversy

Women short-changed in retirement economy for generation raising their children

Leverage Lessons Learned [Being at Home Full-Time With Your Children]

Sheryl Sandberg speaking about work-life balance

Pew Research Center Findings Regarding Working Mothers

Is Canada a Case of Gender Re-Alignment?

Ann Romney, Working Woman?

Working Mom Challenges: Paid Leave, Child Care

What a Stay-At-Home Mum’s Salary Should Be Worth.

Image: Ann Romney with her children and grandchildren

Sh*t mums say?  Hmnn.  Surely on your journey as a mum you have heard your fair share of statements that could create awkward moments.  In fact some people refer to some of these topics as the basis for Mommy Wars.

Sh*t Vancouver moms say was the topic of a recent comment string on Facebook.  Thanks VancouverMom.ca!  At last count there were 50 people who had left comments. Clearly this is a topic that resonates.

Here are some examples of SMS – or more precisely what some talk about that could be the subject of a parody about mums about town:

* shopping for organic food and items, exclusively

* shopping at the right types of stores where aforementioned organically correct items are sold

* only using the best ingredients.  No sandwich  meats.  No foods from the middle of the store

* not using plastic bottles, even if they are BPA free

* buying precisely the right type of baby soother. Yes that BPA thing again.

* whether or not to use a soother

* the importance of wearing a baby, co-sleeping, breastfeeding for the right period of time and only using cloth diapers

* the need to hire tutors for very young children before they enter Kindergarten

* the need to attend a number of popular baby and toddler programmes such as mum and baby exercise, gymnastics, art, music, literacy, early childhood and sports classes

* comparing stay at home mums to mums who work outside the home

* comparing mums who have extra help, such as nannies and housekeepers, to mums that don’t

* the need to sign up early for programmes such as swim class or the right pre-school

* attending the right pre-school or school

* using a private/independent school versus a public school

* crossing borders (crossing the city) to attend another public school

* bench marks that your child has mastered. Think eating, talking, walking, crawling,  toilet training andreading independently ,for example.  “What do you mean you’re taking a relaxed approach to toilet training? Your children are 2 1/2!”

* going on holidays with  your children.  “What?  You haven’t travelled in years?”

* I need my Girls Night Out and luncheons alone with my girlfriends. “What? You don’t go out on your own?”

* having the right type of dentist. “What? Your children go to a regular dentist?”

* Childcare/Nannies/Babysitters  “What? You don’t have one?”

* the need to drive around to many places every day in your car, coffee mug in hand.  “What? You don’t drink coffee?  You don’t live in your car half the time? You don’t have a second car? You don’t have a car Monday to Friday AND you don’t have bus service during the day?!”

* the need to have the right educational toys and gear

* the need to cook all baby food/food from scratch

* why you waited to have children.  “You’re over 35, aren’t you? Left it a bit late didn’t you? Why did you wait? What? You mean you didn’t wait on purpose? But you’re 40!”

* are you the nanny?

* did you adopt your children from China?

* do twins run in your family? [Let's talk about how you procreated.]

* not needing second hand clothes/pass offs when offered

* having the right safety devices or not having enough of them

Who could argue that it is bad to buy organic food or breastfeed a child?  Unfortunately some mums shrink into their allotted seat at mums and babies groups when they feel they have somehow been deficient compared to the prevailing opinion or habits of a group.  That’s when a situation can go from awkward to just plain uncomfortable.

” No. I am not a part-time mum because I had a nanny help me during the first year of my twins’ lives.”  [I don't think I want to attend this mums and babies group anymore.]

Just in case you think these conversation starters are exclusive to mums, we could just as easily talk about Sh*t Dads say.  After all, just the other day one dad said to another “WHAT. Seriously, buddy? You don’t know about that indoor playground?”. 

[Confused look ensued.]

Uh. No. He didn’t.

It would a treat to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit the BCFamily.ca Facebook page.

Related

Are You the Nanny?

Comparisons and the Child

Let’s Talk: Are You a Part-Time Mum?

Being the Good Mum: Everyone’s Got an Opinion

…and just in case you thought mama bloggers don’t have a twist on this trending topic, here’s a sassy video from Mamaknowsitall.com

A day does not go by when a Stay at Home or Working Out of the Home mother does not find a news story telling her what she is doing, not doing and feeling.   We live in an era when findings from studies – well designed or not – are easily disseminated by way of social media links, online media outlets or attention-grabbing headlines on the national news.    This type of information even shows up on websites like this one!

The latest research about mothers and depression was presented this week by Katrina Leupp, graduate student from the University of Washington, at an American Sociological Association conference in Nevada.   Leupp accessed a National Longtitudinal Survey run by the US. Department of Labor that included data from a survey of 1,600 married women carried out in 2006. At the time the average age of the women was 40. These same women were interviewed previously when they were between age 22 and 30 about their attitudes towards being a working mother. Leupp concluded that the women who were keenest to engage in careers while being parents were more likely to suffer from depression than women who were initially against the idea of trying to balance both roles. Or to put it another way, the keen women initially responded that the combination of a career and parenthood could be done with relative ease.

A second finding was that women who are stay at home mums, and who often cannot enter the workforce due to circumstances beyond their control, are more likely to experience depression than mums who work outside of the home.  Many of the news articles reporting the findings are highlighting the idea, to use their wording, that super moms, with high flying careers, need to chill.  You can hear the gnashing teeth of hard working women everywhere who are busy working outside of the home and raising children.

In media interviews Leupp repeatedly states that working is beneficial for a woman’s health; however, does it follow that staying out of the workforce is bad for women’s health? Nobody would suggest that there aren’t women who are happy to be at home full time  caring for their children.   While many of these women would be able to point to daily challenges that they experience, many would also argue that their mental health is as good as the average mother who works outside of the home.  Are all women who are forced to exit the workforce due to economic or other circumstances likely to suffer in terms of their health? Here in Canada Stephen Harper’s Conservative Party colleagues favour the stay at home option.  The Federal government currently provides Canadian parents with modest payments that can be used as parents see fit.  This is a soft version of the “everyone can look after themselves” attitudes you find in the United States and increasingly in Great Britain.  One could argue that it is an approach that would be more favourable to conservative (with a small c) Canadian families who believe that the mother should stay at home with their children in the early years.

Conversely, in many western European OECD countries governments have promoted social policies, such as fully funded and accessible childcare for pre-toddlers and older, that support the re-entry of mothers into the workforce.  The underlying strategy was to increase female participation in the workforce in order to strengthen their economies.  Here in Canada the question of mothers (or a stay at home father) entering the workforce and the funding of Early Childhood Education & Care (ECEC) centres is never discussed in these terms.   In Scandinavia, where social policy related to women and children is advanced compared to North American standards, a reporter would be hard pressed to find a mother who isn’t working outside the home.

The current approach to ECE&C funding by the Federal and Provincial governments is an alternative to the Federal and Provincial funding of accessible and affordable ECEC facilities.   In cities such as Ottawa, the New Democrat Party are reporting that 9,000 families (you read that right) are on wait lists for licensed care facilities.  The situation in Vancouver is equally as bleak.  It is not unusual to meet a parent who will tell you that they were on a licensed child care facility wait list for three years before a space opened up.  For two years following maternity leave, the parents “made do” with less than adequate alternatives.

Meanwhile many women in more senior positions, such as older mums over 30, are returning to their jobs before their maternity leaves are over in order to protect their jobs.  A long absence from a management position, for example, greatly reduces a woman’s influence in an office, in a  political sense; can affect future work allocation and participation in ongoing projects;  and, can directly or indirectly lead to changes in a job profile or even dismissal while on maternity leave. (See:  Working to Live )  Accommodations for all of these possible outcomes are usually included in the administrative policies of larger organizations.  As one female author online asked, “who’s more likely to be dismissed during an office reshuffle?  The man who gave a PowerPoint presentation last week or the woman who’s been off for months on maternity leave?”

How does these considerations relate to a study about mothers and depression?  In North America we receive failing grades from international organizations such as the OECD in the area of ECE&C.  Privately we value our children, but collectively we have been unable to decide how we want to support parents and caregivers, as they in turn care for children.  We debate about whether children should be cared for by the parent or a licensed care giver.  We debate about how should pay for these services.  We debate about what types of programme should be in place and who should pay for these programmes.  Some might argue that – quite frankly – we’re hardly debating about these topics at all. They arise every four years during election time, and disapear again.  Meanwhile women  – young and older mothers – are struggling to reconcile their role as parent with their role as employee without the support of strong policies in the workforce and the understanding of Canadians in general.  Leupp concludes that, at least in the United States, for many women these struggles include depression.

In reference to the University of Washington study, Leupp points out that there are women at home with their children who cannot fully engage in the workforce in the United States where, despite the shorter maternity leaves, working conditions are similar to those in Canada. Why is that?  Is there no available childcare?  Is childcare too unaffordable?  Are the terms of her working life so restrictive that it became too difficult to work?

Leupp also mentions a finding that has been highlighted in other research studies.  Women – whether or not they work outside of the home – still complete the majority of the housework in the home. In Canada that rate is well over 50%.  How does this rate compare to other countries?  As the author suggests, should women simply accept this reality, or can we, in our society, encourage new attitudes towards sharing the workload on the home front?  Leupp also touches on the topic of stay at home fathers.  Increasingly fathers in Canada are taking advantage of paternity leave or are considering their options when it comes to staying at home with their children.  In Scandinavia there are strong examples of how men can contribute to the full time care of children, thereby allowing mothers to protect their careers as well.  (See:   Fatherhood in Sweden )

A focus of Leupp’s study centres on womens’ expectations.  Her findings suggest more questions. Is it realistic for a young woman to expect that a career and parenthood should go together seemlessly?  How do the attitudes of a Generation X parent compare to those of younger women today who were raised in slightly different family circumstances?  How do the depictions in the media of harried, super multi tasking, hovering, Tiger mums influence a woman’s ability to define what she wants and can expect for  her own parenting journey?

Tomorrow, or the next day, another study will be released with more information about motherhood and parenting.  Here in British Columbia and in Canada the challenge for mothers and parents everywhere is to engage in increased and louder discussions about their experiences and needs.   Many questions need to be asked.  What types of work/childcare arrangements are working for them?  What isn’t working?  What types of changes help them?  How much does it cost parents to pay for childcare? How much does it cost them to live in the Lower Mainland or other parts of British Columbia and Canada?  How much are their mortgage payments  and what is their cost of living compared to their income?  How long is their commute?  What type of commute do they have?  What type of transit options can parents access? What type 0f childcare facility/provider are they using?  What type of childcare programme does their child experience in this center?  How would they assess the quality of care there?  What are the professional qualificiations of their childcare provider?  What did she/he have to study in order to achieve these qualifications?  How supportive are their employers and colleagues regarding the daily challenges they face as a parent?  Do some of their colleagues resent that they might use sick time to support their sick child or that they might arrive late or leave early in order to support their child’s needs?  Does their office allow for some work-at-home time?  Did the mother return to work before her maternity leave was finished?  Does she feel that her position at work was compromized because of her absence from work? Did she feel that she needed to stay in touch with the office and with the progression of work and ongoing projects at the office while on maternity leave in order to protect her position?  If her position was cut during maternity leave, why does she think that happened? Why do Stay at Home Mums prefer to be a stay at home parent?  As a SAHM, what are the rewards and challenges of her role?  What kind of support networks and resources do they have in their community for their children and for themselves?  What kind of services can she access that are free or affordable?  Does she feel isolated from or a part of an adult world where most people work outside of the home?   Does she feel that people respect her choice to be a  SAHM beyond maternity leave?  Do people still recognize her other academic and professional qualifications in conversations and interactions?  Would she be able to find part-time care should she take on a part-time job or work from home?

These are some of the many questions and topics that women can and do discuss privately, at work, online and in the media.  With the advancements in technology and new tools coming out monthly in the realm of Social Media, women in urban and rural British Columbia can use creative methods to get their message out.  Studies can help to raise further questions but the women who are directly involved need to be at the centre of the conversations and the related development of social policies by Federal and Provincial governments.

We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.

Related

Readers comment on this topic over at the Globeandmail.com

What Happy Working Mothers Know:  How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Lead to a Healthy and Happy Work/Life Balance* (See related review )

To the Mothers Who Work Outside of the Home

Stay-at-home moms have the hardest job – latimes.com
Depression danger of the supermums who try and do everything themselves | Mail Online
No such thing as a supermom: Study | Life | Toronto Sun
Motherhood More Depressing Than Ever
Who Is Happier, The Working Mother or the Stay-At-Home Mom?
Women who want to be supermoms at higher depression risk – WDAF
Being A Stay At Home Mom Is The Toughest Job For Women | SmartAboutHealth.Net
‘Supermums’ more likely to be depressed – Telegraph
Supermums with high-flying careers at risk of depression, study says – mirror.co.uk
Supermom Myth Can Make You Miserable – Health News – Health.com
Working Women Who Try to Be ‘Supermom’ May Be More Depressed TIME Healthland

* BCFamily.ca is a member of the Amazon Associates Programme


Is he toilet trained yet? How is his speech coming along? How many words does he say? Does he know the colours yet? Can he count?

Casual conversation. General enquiries. Questions about a child’s development can be part of conversation starters or a not so subtle expression of an underlying and grave concern. When this type of conversation starts, the parents are happy to talk about theit child. A Stay-at-Home Mum, for example, spends a good part of her week with her child and knows how he or she has reached developmental milestones. Where these conversations can take a turn is when the friend, colleague, family member or stranger-at-large starts to make comparisons between the child in question and a child he or she knows. “My friend’s son is the same age and can already say three word sentences.” “I remember when my daughter’s girl was this age. She could say all of the colour names and could count to ten. How many words did you say your child knows?”

It is hard to understand the motivation behind these statements and questions. Is it concern? Is it concern pressed forward to elicit action? Does the concerned conversation partner really want to say “In other words, I’m asking you about your child and making comparisons so that you can see that there is something wrong with your child and seek medical attention”.

For the sake of simplicity, let’s call these conversation partners 19th century Armchair Critics. NACs for short. After all, the standards for child development that they quote do not appear to match the advise of any child development expert writing in modern times. NACs believe that there is a very tight window within which young children develop a skill. They also believe that if a child develops a skill before that time period, he is intellectually gifted. Similarly if his skill development is delayed there is a problem. Indeed there is the potential that this child might grow up to be intellectually inferior to the aforementioned gifted child.

The fun doesn’t stop there.

The NAC also believes that someone could be at fault. Enter the mother or primary care giver. “Little 2-year old Ethan’s nanny has taught him how to count to 20 in Spanish and read flashcards.” Pregnant pause. “So what have you been doing with YOUR child, Mum?” is the next logical question, but it isn’t vocalized.

Oh for the love of education. When will it stop? This obsession with comparing children and how they are reaching their developmental milestones has to end. It has been allowed to fester for the last few decades and, quite frankly, parents of young children everywhere are finding the tune to be beyond boring.

There are children in our midst who are struggling to learn how to speak, for example. In fact they may be experiencing a significant delay. They may be seeing a speech therapist. They might have been flagged to be at risk of having an autism spectrum disorder. They may already have a confirmed condition which affects their ability to form sounds using the muscles in their mouth, for example. They may never be able to speak as eloquently as the NAC who is currently drilling the child’s parents about this three year old’s speech development.

While most children with delayed speech and language development, for example, do not fall into this category, some may. Suggesting that a child who is not likely to experience long term delays is “at risk” shows a lack of sensitivity to the needs of children and their families who truly are coping with the likelihood of long term challenges. NACs everywhere need to leave it to medical practitioners in British Columbia, working with primary caregivers, to determine how progress is being made and whether or not there is a problem. Moreover, if a child does show challenges reaching a developmental milestone, she is not deficient compared to the children held up as examples for comparison. We all have our challenges and issues with which we struggle. Although admittedly some are more challenging than others. Yes we can compare one child’s textbook perfect development to the rate of progress of a child who seems to have less developed skills. This assessment is not based on medical fact, but rather is grounded more in our own understanding of what should be happening. Or we can allow the children in our lives the space to develop at their own pace, in their own way, to the best of their abilities. We can provide these children with as much support as we can possibly give them. Support that is grounded in a positive attitude and outlook, and a lack of judgment.

For some time now I have had a feeling of amazement every time I encounter a woman who has had two or more children within the span of a few years. What an accomplishment! What an effort! What an undertaking! What a blessing!

I first had this feeling when I was still a barely out of my teenage years and quite unaware of what pregnancy entailed. When I was 15, I babysat a newborn baby while I lived in Tokyo as an international student. For two years I looked after her while her parents attended diplomatic events or her mum went off to various functions. The family moved away and I never met up with them again. By the time the girl was six years old, she had two younger sisters. I was amazed.

Of course I still come across these types of stories. You know the ones. “…and then there were three!” Two years ago I became a mother to twins and had my own opportunity to make big changes on the home front. As one can imagine, that was quite an undertaking too. I would like to say that I loved being pregnant and that it was a blissful experience. Of course I was very pleased and felt blessed and there were special moments, such as the times when the babies would move. When I look back on that time period, however, I recall a nine month period of holding my breath, hoping and praying for the best, trying not to get too stressed and generally taking things one day at a time. Every month that we moved closer to the 30 week mark, the easier my breathing became. For the last six months I was concerned about tightening sensations and for the last four months I was on bed rest. Every two days a nurse would come by to check on the babies’ progress. I should not forget to mention that we were in the middle of a heat wave that summer and I lived in front of the water cooler. I also recall that I wasn’t able to go on a Mexican holiday at five months or walk around in high heels at eight months. I wasn’t working until two weeks before the delivery. Indeed I wasn’t really walking that much. To this day when I see very pregnant women bounding about like Ivanka Trump, playing golf while pregnant and working on the baby’s due date, I can’t help but make comparisons to my own experience.

Thanks to the care of my husband, family members and numerous medical practitioners, my husband, children and I came through the experience. I am also thankful to the director in my division at work who sent me home on sick leave four months before the children were born. If he hadn’t taken this step I fear what would have happened.

As your children get older and become toddlers, it is easy to look at other babies and pregnant women and feel nostalgic about pregnancy. It seems that many a mother has become wistful about the baby stage when her first born leaves the baby years behind. You sometimes hear stories about parents feeling like “they are not done yet”, or they want to have one more child before the wife turns 40. There must be something deeply anthropological about these emotions and thought processes. Clearly this type of yearning helps to ensure the continuation of the human population.

In our home the joy of the twins’ birth was followed by surgery for pyloric stenosis for one twin and other concerns for a possible health condition for the second twin that doesn’t appear to have come about after all. During the first few months we were in out out of doctors’ appointments regularly. We visited most of the major divisions at the BC Children’s Hospital and had Infant Development Programme professionals visiting us at home. During that time I also had the opportunity to see babies in the hospital who had concerns even more serious than those of my children.

The birth of twins is a remarkable process. I still recall the happy exclamations in the surgery room when the medical staff on hand (about a dozen of them) were told that twins were waiting to be born. I still enjoy looking at photos of the OB, GP and pediatrician who were all in the room overseeing the birth. (The Gold Star team, as I call them.) Here at BC Family we have been so blessed to have the support of doctors and special service providers for our children. The progression of our story has been quite different from those of most people I see and we have, indeed, been very busy. Yet when I see women having a baby not long after her first baby (or second) has left the baby months behind, I am even more amazed because I now understand what pregnancy and raising more than one young child entails. I also know that some women have difficulty getting pregnant for the first time or after their first child was born.  Multiple pregnancies in a short period of time are nothing short of a blessing AND a miracle.   Most people might think this is a normal state of affairs that has been happening for centuries. I say “congratulations and what an accomplishmnent!”

Related

I Wear the Maternity Pants in This Family (By Susan Konig)*

*BCFamily.ca is a member of the Amazon Associates programme

We’d love to hear from you so don’t be shy! You can comment about this posting using the comment function below or visit us at our Facebook page.

Daily Dish Archives Pamela Chan/Publisher, BCfamily.ca

 


A week does not go by when we are not hearing stories about one Hollywood star or another having a child after 40. Often the actor is having her first or second child. Who doesn’t love a story about babies? Nowadays people are equally fascinated with the details about how older moms are fulfilling their dream to become a mother. Members of the media are also keen to share every detail about fertility treatments in Hollywood. In a recent interview with Celine Dion one journalist went so far as to ask Celine how many embryos she had left. Not surprisingly, Celine did not share details about this very personal information.

Here in British Columbia women in their late 30s and early 40s face many challenges and obstacles if they hope to start a family. One of the most common reactions from contemporaries is the question “why did you wait so long?”. A further assessment might include the conclusion that a woman focussed on her career too much, was too picky about finding a husband or simply waited too long. This is the uncomfortable environment in which women starting a family beyond 35 live.

The statistics and news about fertility treatments for those who are struggling to start a family can be confusing. Even though Hollywood actors are having babies using IVF, some reports present depressing statistics about success rates for women close to 40 and beyond. Additionally there is no shortage of heart breaking stories about what can go wrong on the fertility journey. It can also seem formidable to consider adoption options. The adoption process in Canada can be expensive, slow and uncertain. Adoptions overseas have become more difficult and come with their own challenges.

Considering these challenges, it is heart warming to read about Sharon Simon,  who has shared her story about becoming a mother after 40 on the website Flowerpower.com .  Simons’ difficult foray into the world of IVF ended in heartbreak; however, she was able to successfully adopt two children from Russia.

If you are a mother over 40 or if you are seeking more information about adoption, do check out both the Flowerpower.com site published by Angel La Liberte and Simons’ site called momatlast.com,where you can find information about adoption and related stories.

Related

Adoption after 40 (website)

Motherhood after 40 – The great age debate on CNN

Mothers over 40 (UK based website)

How much risk are kids worth? (Vancouver Sun story – part of a series)

Aveta.blogspot.com (a weblog about the IVF journey)

Ready:  Why women are embracing the new later motherhood

Sharon Simons on the Internet

Sharon Simons on Mom Bloggers Club

Sharon Simons on Facebook

Mom at Last page on Facebook

Momatlast.com website

Related Posts with Thumbnails

© 2010 BC Family RSS & Privacy Statement Suffusion WordPress theme by Sayontan Sinha